These are true stories of my experiences as a waitress.

Stories of a Waitress Slowly Going Insane

Kick off those slip resistant shoes and relax

Bravo! I couldn't stop reading the various posts once I came across the blog. Hilarious, insightful, intelligent, witty,descriptive, emotionally heartfelt at times as well.You're an extremely passionate person, a gifted writer, (your blog is outstanding, magnificent) and I love the way you put certain individuals in their place. I know what its like because I've been there. Anyways, hang in there, good luck pursuing your degree, it must be something special to know you in real life. Sincerely, tcmarciano

You are very kind! Thanks so much for the positive feedback!

Just wanted to send a note and tell you that I only discovered your blog today but think it is absolute genius. I love it. I work full time for an ad agency in St. Louis but I moonlight at a restaurant on weekends and spent 3 years as a server at a super high volume winery/restaurant before finally getting the ad job and so far I have been able to relate to every story I've read. And, yes, Mother's Day is the WORST!! Sincerely, bpower731

You are too kind :) thank you for reading!

I gave a customer $10 too much in change, I explained what had happened and apologized profusely. They threw back the change I'd given them and told me to recount it at the table. After, they tipped me $10 which was confusing because they told me I didn't deserve a tip and they threatened my job. I apologized again and offered to grab a manager, they said no. Then I offered to give back the original change. They said, "We don't want it anymore." I messed up, but was there anything else to do? Sincerely, gothatonegirl

Not in my opinion! These things happen. Those people are quite obviously arrogant assholes that are apparently “above making mistakes”

Has anyone read about Pastor Lois Bell yet?

If you haven’t read it yet, please check it out :) It really boiled my blood for sure. What a CROCK!!!!! I HATED when I waited on people that played the “church card” for not tipping above 10%. Hypocrites. 

http://fox2now.com/2013/01/31/web-world-i-give-god-10-receipt-goes-viral/

El Molester

The time has come to tell you about a former manager that we used to deal with: El Molester. Can you see where this is going?

The lawsuit waiting to happen would find every excuse to touch the female employees, whether it be massages, a hand on the knee, or pressing up against you from behind while we were ringing in orders at the computer. It was just enough to creep me out, but never enough to where I felt the need to report it. He also talked in an accent so thick that it was hard to tell if what he said was actually inappropriate or just a misunderstanding.

However, my biggest issue was with the way he scheduled me. It always happened to fall on days when I was in class! After repeatedly asking for this to be fixed, I was eventually yelled at in Spanish (how convenient) in front of the other servers. I decided to take matters into my own hands and approach Pleasant about the situation.

I basically spilled my guts, which sparked a rebellion among the other servers. Little did I know, El Molester wasn’t just harassing the FEMALE servers, but also grabbing the crotches of the males as well. Never saw THAT one coming…. Lets just say that he was removed pretty quickly and never heard from again.

I literally hate your blog. It is the most depressing, bitter filled sad excuse of a piece of writing that I have ever had the misfortune of laying my eyes on. I regret every second of reading this blog. Sincerely, nomoretea

Thanks! I aim to please ;)

Annoying

Me: “What salad dressing would you like on your salad?”

Annoying: “What kinds do you have?” 

Me: “Ranch, Honey Mustard, Bleu Cheese, Balsamic, 1000 Island, (the list goes on forever. My restaurant has  like 15).”

After I’ve finally listed all billion dressings that we have:

Annoying: “Oh I’ll just have Ranch.”

… which restaurants do NOT have ranch? (I know there are exceptions, but in a chain restaurant, this is HIGHLY unlikely that you won’t have ranch as a choice…. 

Shut up and get out of my life. 

Mother’s Day: Part 1

I walked into my restaurant to absolute chaos around 3 p.m., and the host gave me a section that wasn’t totally full yet. My first table of the day is a table of four, and they order an appetizer and suck down their sweet teas (I have a feeling diabetes is in this family’s foreseeable future)  within seconds of delivery. What is this, a contest? Just so you people know, we don’t give out prizes for beating each other to finish your drink.

Anyway, this family ran my ass ragged, but I tried my absolute best to give them a good experience because I know it’s Mother’s Day. I know it’s a special occasion. I KNOW that most of these people never get to go out. However, this is NO REASON to make your server miserable. Do NOT insult us by spending all this money on appetizers, filet dinners, and dessert, asking for bread every five fucking seconds, drinking 5 gallons of sweet tea, and then tipping us like shit just because WE have the misfortune of working this holiday! It’s seriously RIDICULOUS. MY FIRST TEN TABLES DID THIS. LITERALLY. TEN TABLES OF ORDERING 5 COURSE MEALS AND THEN TIPPING LESS THAN 10%!!! THE FUCK?!

I was in the kitchen, ranting about shitty tips (go figure), when Fireball said, “Remember “Insanity”, it’s quantity over quality today.”

NO FUCKING SHIT. This was ALMOST as bad as when I had to work Christmas Eve. ALMOST.

Oh, and this first table was the type that would ask for something EVERY SECOND. 

"Can we have a to-go box?"… I look at the plate, and there is literally one bite left of steak. ONE BITE. DON’T FEED ME THAT BULLSHIT YOU FAT-ASS MOTHERFUCKER. You aren’t taking one fucking bite of steak home. 

Sure enough, asshole ended up eating it and leaving an empty to-go box in his wake. Fucking bullshit. 

Mother’s Day: Part 2

ANOTHER ANNOYANCE:

DO NOT ACT LIKE SOME GENEROUS MOTHERFUCKER BY OFFERING TO PAY FOR YOUR MOTHERS, GRANDMAS, AND SUCH AND THEN TIP ME LIKE SHIT!

I’m keeping this short and sweet- I had a table of six people. A couple at the table told me to give them the grandma and mother’s checks on theirs. The tab: 74.00. They had a $50 gift card and then put 24 on their card. My tip? 5 FUCKING DOLLARS….. really?…..REALLY?! YOU ONLY HAD TO PAY 24 DOLLARS! WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! And then, the last two people were a dad and his son, and he left me 5 on 30 AFTER a coupon.

You people are assholes, and the food karma will come back on you. 

Check it out » Service and Retail Employees- One of the least healthy jobs

It all makes sense now!!!! I just read this on the link above:

Worst 

In terms of healthcare access and employer-sponsored benefit plans, it’s the low-wage workers across several industries—especially service and retail—who are at the highest risk of being left out. “Even if insurance is offered for purchase, many of these workers can’t afford it and instead opt to go without,” says Dr. Chosewood. 

These jobs—including cashiers, retail salespeople, and restaurant servers—can also be thankless and unrewarding, as well as physically stressful. Women in the food-service profession are more likely to be depressed than those in other careers. 

Men that can’t hold their liquor

My biggest pet peeve is when men try to show how “manly” they are by outdrinking us females, and then puking… in front of us…. 

REAL MANYLY OF YOU.

Anyway, I WISH I had been there to witness what happened last night, but I only heard from another coworker so I can’t be as detailed as I’d like to be.

Last night, a man came into our bar and had two shots of Maker’s Mark…paid his bill….and got drunk…

The man got drunk off of TWO SHOTS!…. and then proceeded to puke EVERYWHERE….and the ambulance was called.

Today, he came back in the restaurant because we had his credit card and went up to one of our bartenders, Angelic, who just happened to be the one serving him last night. He said, “Man… I don’t remember ANYTHING from last night. The last thing I clearly remember doing was signing my credit card receipt.”

Angelic: “Well, sir, you had two shots of Maker’s Mark, puked all over my bar, passed out, and then I had to call an ambulance for you.”

WHAT THE FUCK?! hahahahaahahahahahahaahhaahahahahahahahaa

Sign 1 that you never grew a pair…..

Mother’s Day: Part 4 (My best table)

In the middle of this INSANE shift on Mother’s Day, the hosts triple-sat me….go fucking figure….. I think a small child has more common sense than our hosts sometimes. First, I got sat with a family of four; in the middle of taking their drink orders, I get sat with a table of 6. In the middle of taking THEIR drink orders, I got sat with a one-top: one old man sitting by himself. He bears a resemblance to that actor, Ernest Borgnine, so I’ll call him EB for short. 

PANIC MODE.

I stopped by and greeted him, and he ordered a Coors Light. Thank God it was a bottle, because I could not fit another glass on my tray of drinks, so that was easy for me to deliver to him. As I dropped off the Coors Light with a tray of drinks in my arm, I told him I would be back as soon as I could. I felt horrible because I knew it would be a while before I got to come back to him with all the drinks I had to drop off. 

I took the four-tops order, then stopped by EB to ask if he was ready to order, and he said, “I actually need a few more minutes, but if you get me another beer, I should be fine for a while.” THANK GOD. I needed time to play catch-up, especially with the six-top that I had to take orders from. 

Later on, I made it back to take his order, and it was quick and painless. I didn’t have to ask him a single question about his order. Thank God for this sweet old man, because if it hadn’t been for him, I would’ve been in the weeds for the next hour atleast. He made that much of a difference. After he ordered, he said, “And I’m in no hurry, honey. I know it’s busy and I’m perfectly fine right now. I’ve been driving all day long, so I need to rest for a bit.” 

After I’d gotten caught up and delivered his salad, I asked him where he was traveling from, and he told me he was driving all the way from North Carolina. Originally, I had thought it was strange for someone to come in a restaurant alone on Mother’s Day, but after he said that, I figured he was en route to see family.

EB was probably one of the sweetest people I have EVER waited on in all the time that I’ve been doing this, and it was so refreshing to have him after all those horrible tables on Mother’s Day. Before I delivered his check, I wrote a note to him saying, “I just wanted to thank you for your kindness and patience. It was truly a blessing, and you are the nicest person I have talked to all day and it truly made my day ten times better. You have no idea how much I appreciated it. - “Insanity”

When I came back to get his card, he said, “That was a very kind note, but it is easy to be nice when I’m treated so well. My son passed away in March and I’m having to drive up here to try and sell his house today. Thank you for being so sweet; you have a beautiful smile and an even more beautiful personality.” He then tipped me $10 on $30, gave me a hug, and left. 

I had waterworks big time. It really put everything into perspective for me, and I’m getting emotional just writing about it now. I had to go into the walk-in fridge to gather myself after that, and then I said a prayer and thanked God for letting me wait on EB, for I will NEVER forget that moment in time. It truly touched my heart, and it made me forget about all the hateful people I had waited on that day, and it was easier to give a genuine smile to my tables after that. 

Six hours later, I was furious after all those crazy tables and crying my eyes out on the way home. I pulled up to my house blubbering like an idiot, and then remembered EB. That’s when my tears stopped and I was able to remember the good in people. 

Mother’s Day: Part 3

I had a family of four that ended up being super nice, but the mom (who had a STRIKING resemblance to Nicollette Sheridan) really made me laugh at first.

Me: “Happy Mother’s Day to you, ma’am :)”

NS: “Happy Mother’s Day to you, too! How many children do you have?”

…. I’m 22 years old…. lmfao… there’s no way in Hell I’m having kids anytime soon….

Me: “I do not have any children of my own.”

NS: “Oh, well that’s good that you’re working then, I suppose.”

Is it really good that I’m working?… hahaha… I definitely disagree.

However, I did feel bad for all the servers I work with that do have young children, so I guess I did see her point there. 

Mr. and Mrs. Joy

Following Mrs. Wine and Mr. Dine, I got sat with another couple, Mr. and Mrs. Joy,  that were also there to enjoy a meal; I say this because they were in no hurry. The wife ordered wine, they were both extremely pleasant, and they made it so easy to take care of them that the only thing that could’ve possibly messed it up was the kitchen. Thankfully, their food came out correctly and they enjoyed themselves. It was truly a joy and pleasure to wait on them. 

At the end of their meal, I asked them how everything was, and Mr. Joy replied, “You know, the food is always excellent, but your service was outstanding. You did a terrific job, and we really appreciate it because we don’t get to relax this often.” 

Biggest. Smile. Ever. 

He then asked me how long I’d been working here, what I was wanting to do for a career, etc., and Mrs. Joy told me that I was destined to do something working with people. 

What are the odds that I ended up with quite possibly the two best tables of the night? 

Oh, and to top it all off, they left a 30% tip on a pretty high tab. Very nice indeed. 

Why can’t everyone be this pleasant all the time? People act like you’ve killed their children if their steak is under-cooked, or they throw a bitch fit if we ran out of a steak they wanted…. This job would be A HUNDRED TIMES easier if more people displayed kindness such as these two couples, and I’m not even talking about tips here. I’m talking about how gracious, polite, and pleasant they were! However, I guess I’m preaching to the choir here since you can rant forever about mean customers. 

I will say that those two tables alone were such a blessing that the rest of my tables that night didn’t affect me one bit.