These are true stories of my experiences as a waitress.

Stories of a Waitress Slowly Going Insane

Kick off those slip resistant shoes and relax

Annoying

Me: “What salad dressing would you like on your salad?”

Annoying: “What kinds do you have?” 

Me: “Ranch, Honey Mustard, Bleu Cheese, Balsamic, 1000 Island, (the list goes on forever. My restaurant has  like 15).”

After I’ve finally listed all billion dressings that we have:

Annoying: “Oh I’ll just have Ranch.”

… which restaurants do NOT have ranch? (I know there are exceptions, but in a chain restaurant, this is HIGHLY unlikely that you won’t have ranch as a choice…. 

Shut up and get out of my life. 

Coupons

First of all, people that tip on the amount AFTER their meal has been discounted are shitheads. Point blank. I’m still having to tip out on the percentage of my SALES, meaning that I tip out 2.5% of your tab regardless of how much you’re actually tipping me. 

Second of all, why do you INSIST on plucking your motherfucking coupons on the table the second you sit down? Are you trying to show that your cheapskates, because it’s working. I’m all about saving a dollar, but handing me the coupon before you’ve even ordered is extremely annoying. I can’t even apply it until it’s time to pay, so why are you handing it to me so quickly? It’s not going to burn if you don’t use it fast enough.

Third of all, please just hand me your form of payment and the coupon all at once. It makes it so much easier. You can’t tell me you don’t know how much it’s going to cost after the coupon if the coupon says $4 off two dinners. This means that your ticket will be FOUR DOLLARS LESS than the original amount. Rocket science? I think not. Come on people, you’re not THAT stupid. 

Oh, and quit trying to use 100 fucking coupons at once. It clearly says that you can only use one per table per visit. Quit trying to cheat the system. You can’t do stuff like that in a retail store, so why are you doing it in a restaurant? This means, do not bring a $4 off two dinners, free appetizer, and a free dessert, and then get pissed when I can’t take all three. I know you can read. 

There. I’m done. 

*shaking my damn head*

I hate this job

I’ve gotten to that point… the point where just the thought of putting on my slip resistant shoes makes me gag with revulsion, the sight of my apron makes me want to cry, and the thought of working makes me positively ill. I hate this job, and it’s making me have a horrible attitude that I think is starting to rub off on everyone else. 

Therefore, I’m taking tomorrow night (Friday) off. I really hope Hell does not freeze over. It’s been a while since I took an entire weekend off. My wallet will suffer, but fuck it. I’m tired of being so burned out. 

Oh, and I just got hired full time by a company that I hope to stay on with after I graduate. Yay for my career! 

Satan teenagers

The second you pick up a table after cuts are made, ya get put in the weeds. It’s almost become a cardinal rule at my restaurant. Unless you’re cut, you’re screwed for the next hour of transition. It fucking sucks. 

Tonight I waited on a group of people probably in their late teens/early 20’s…. I got to add gratuity to their table, and I’m praising God that I was able to because as I walked away, I heard them all complaining about how much tip was added.

I could tell that they all came from money just from the way they acted towards me. Two of them were super decent, and left me an extra tip to make it 20%. The rest were real pieces of shit, though. It was extremely irritating to be at the beck and call of little rich bastards for two hours. Just sayin’. 

Guess who came in today?

The fucking bitch, Mrs. Talkative and her annoying husband Mr. Talkative…and they were ONE TABLE away from my section. THE DAY AFTER THEY KEPT ME AT WORK LATE.  As I watched them walk through the door, my stomach fell because I watched the host lead them near my section…closer…closer….CLOSER…. 

SAVED. She went one table past my section. Another server waited on them while they watched me and gave me evil looks from afar…. assholes…. and they left within a reasonable amount of time for the other server. I hate people. 

Threw a Temper Tantrum

So my night started off alright… no complaints… waited on a millionaire that gave me a nice tip and he was super funny…. then I get to my last table. 

du du duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu *pending doom noise*

I get sat with my last table of the night around 8:30 p.m. and they are waiting on two more people. They order 2 waters and say that sometimes their friends tend to run late, which I tell them is no problem. It’s only 8:30 after all….I ask if they’d like an appetizer while they wait, and Mr. and Mrs. Talkative decline. Mrs. Talkative then asks what time we close, and I tell her 10pm, to which she replies, “Oh great. We are fine then.”

a half hour later… 

Their friends, Mr. and Mrs. Fathead come in, and I take everyone’s order. 

By 9:30, Mr. and Mrs. Fathead, and Mr. Talkative have finished eating, but Mrs. Talkative still has a half rack of ribs left on her plate. I go to the back and grab a to-go box, thinking she’ll probably ask me for one once I come back. As I bring it over and offer it to her, she looks me square in the eye and says in this really offended voice, “I’m not done yet,” and waves the box away. 

I definitely felt really stupid, but I had good intentions. 

So I finish up with everything else in the back; I have my silver rolled, my sidework is finished, and my other tables are clean. All I’m waiting on is this table, so I walk over and ask if anyone would like dessert, since Mrs. Talkative is just picking around her food and talking her mouth off. They decline, but then Mr. Talkative orders a decaf coffee… How delightful… it’s a half hour after close and he’s ordering coffee. I’m never getting out of here. 

I drop their checks after I deliver his coffee, and then it’s another half hour before they actually offer up their credit cards to pay. I run their credit cards and deliver them back, then it’s just another waiting game. 

At 11:30, Casanova (one of the hosts) walks back into the kitchen and tells me that my table wants a to-go box.

I AM LIVID. WHAT A DUMB FUCKING CUNT. WHY WOULD SHE NOT HAVE JUST TAKEN THE MOTHERFUCKING TO GO BOX WHEN I OFFERED IT INSTEAD OF BEING A TOTAL BITCH?! AND THEN SITTING THERE FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF AFTER CLOSE.

I HATE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After they finally leave, I throw the biggest tempter tantrum that a 22 year old has ever been known to throw. I”m embarrassed even thinking about it now. As Golden Girl watched (and laughed), I stomped around cleaning that last table while yelling obscenities over and over again. 

I then say, “HOW DO YOU PEOPLE DO THIS FIVE NIGHTS A WEEK?! I’M ONLY HERE THREE NIGHTS A WEEK AND I WANT TO COMMIT A MURDER!!!!!”

As I continue yelling and screaming, I look up and catch Unstable standing in the corner of the dining room with this amused expression on his face. 

OF ALL THE PEOPLE TO CATCH ME DOING THIS AND MAKE FUN OF MY TEMPER, IT HAD TO BE THE BIPOLAR MANAGER?! THE FUCK?!

And he continued to laugh and smile as he watched me in my rage. seriously. I’m kind of laughing at it now. He hasn’t been bad lately, but it amuses me that he thought I was so hilarious… Definitely the “pot calling the kettle black” type of situation. 

So there. There’s my rant of the night. OH, AND I HAVE A FINAL WORTH 150 POINTS IN THE MORNING AND I JUST GOT HOME. TO MY TABLE TONIGHT, SUCK MY NONEXISTENT DICK YOU ASSHOLES!!!!!!