These are true stories of my experiences as a waitress.

Stories of a Waitress Slowly Going Insane

Kick off those slip resistant shoes and relax

It’s that time of the year…

Fuck prom kids. Seriously.

I don’t even think I have to elaborate on this. If not, just private message me. I’ll give you an awesome explanation

If you can afford alcohol.. You can afford to tip well

Here is another bitchy post… (sorry, tonight was really shitty)

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people order the hell out of alcohol and food, but leave a lousy tip. If you can afford three $5-9 glasses of wine, then you can afford to tip me better than 10%. Especially when you are dining in a nice restaurant with great service. If you can’t afford to tip well, then order more modestly. Do you REALLY need three glasses of wine? Do you even NEED wine? We have tons of old couples living on a fixed income that tip better than the cheap drinkers that come in our restaurant.

I had a family tonight that barely left me 10% of the tab, yet the dad ordered a huge margarita, the woman ordered TWO glasses of wine, and the son ordered a strawberry lemonade. The woman and son ordered more modest meals, but the dad ordered one of our new features that’s a little pricier. They were pretty nice; the mom kinda made me mad sometimes because she’d call out to me when I was talking to other tables, but they were nice enough. I was expecting to have a pretty good tip from this table… boy was I wrong…

I guess I shouldn’t really complain this much when I had another table completely stiff me tonight, but it makes me angry when people order unnecessary items. Alcohol is ALWAYS expensive; it’s cheaper to buy a bottle of wine at a local liquor store and drink at home. Instead, I have jerks coming in and ordering lavish items, then leaving a shitty tip. If you can afford $20 of alcohol, then you can afford a 20% tip. 

Do not be lewd with your waitress.

Just don’t. We are only smiling at you because you are tipping us. Unless you are Channing Tatum or Ryan Gosling, I will NOT throw my bra at you. 

Anyway, last night I waited on these two men. Seat 1 is really obese…. I’m not saying this to be rude, but I’m pointing this out to describe why I found his later actions to be so gross. Anyway, he reminds me of Kevin James (dude that played paul blart in mall cop) only he’s got maybe 100 more lbs than Kevin James on him. I’ll call him FKJ (fat kevin james), and I’ll call the other one Sidekick.

So FKJ orders a Bud Light Platinum…. which we don’t carry. He can tell by the look on my face that I’m about to say it, and he says, “Don’t give me that look! Do not!” 

"Sir, I’m sorry, but we do not carry Budlight Platinum. This isn’t Nascar" okay, I didn’t really say that Nascar comment, but I was tempted. 

He then makes a joke about me walking across the street to get him some… AS IF. He then gets the most dejected and pouty look on his face that I’ve ever seen on a grown man… SERIOUSLY…. pouts…and then says, “I guess I’ll just have a Bud Light then” in the most resentful tone he can possibly muster. Sidekick orders a Bud Light as well.

Throughout the night, FKJ constantly makes jabs about us not carrying his precious Bud Light Platinum… trust me buddy, with the size you are, you probably aren’t getting smashed from that, anyway. 

I made jabs back at them, which they laughed at, and I said something like, “Are y’all ever going to quit giving me a hard time about the Bud Light Platinum?” and did my fake laugh.

This was my mistake. FKJ looks me square in the eye and says, “Would you like me to give you a hard time?” He emphasized the word hard. You can argue about this all you want, but he definitely meant this in a sexual way. A man that looks about 400 lbs or more just asked me if I wanted him to give me a “hard” time…

Hard doesn’t even begin to describe the difficulty one would have by doing ANYTHING sexual with this man even if one WANTED to. 

However, I just look at him, and he continues to ask me the same question over and over again. He probably asked me that about six times in the course of me standing there.

This is where, I’m embarrassed to say,  I held my tongue; I am very sassy, but I am not about to piss off anyone tonight or screw myself out of a much needed tip. However, I’m not really sure WHAT to say to him, so I just laugh it off and say something noncommittal and walk away as fast as my slip resistant shoes can carry me.

Anyway, FKJ complained about one of his sides so I got it comp’ed off his meal. He left me 5 on 30. Sidekick left me 3 on 35.00. Thanks, assholes. Next time you come in, I’ll rip into both of your obviously low self esteems. 

This is way tamer than what I’ve seen happen to Golden Girl; men are extremely lewd with her all the time. She’s an extremely pretty individual, but we work in a restaurant! This is not a strip club where you tip to see our goodies. Calm down and take your lousy tips elsewhere. 

Hot Couple

Friday night, I waited on the most beautiful couple that I have ever seen. Seriously. I wanted to hate them because they were so attractive, but they were super nice! The dude looked like a Calvin Klein underwear model.

However, when it got to the end of the meal, he tipped me 8%…..

And now he looks like Freddy Krueger….. Seriously….All attraction is gone.

Good tippers=Sexy as hell

Bad tippers= Uglier than a fictional horror film character

So fellow gentlemen of the world…. be sexy and tip well…. I remember all of you cheap asses. 

Whenever I go on a first date with a guy, I ask him to go to this place where a friend of mine is always waitressing and I always try to request her. After the date, I always text her and ask how well the guy tipped her. I don’t care if he has the body of a god and the humor of Zach Galifianakis. If he is a shitty tipper, he gets axed.