These are true stories of my experiences as a waitress.

Stories of a Waitress Slowly Going Insane

Kick off those slip resistant shoes and relax

Running my Ass

The story I’m about to tell you involves the type of customer that we have all had at some point…. the kind that run your ass to the ground. These people are needy, take up all of your time and energy, ask for something every time you come by, and never understand the concept that they aren’t your only table. Not only do they monopolize you, but they are usually the worst tippers as well….. so you’re working your tail off for a small fraction of what you really should be getting. 

Anyway, I got sat with a three-top; one woman, her daughter, and her husband. I will refer to the woman as Nightmare, because whenever I have nightmares about work, she is in them! We will call her daughter NIT (nightmare in training), and the husband as Passive…because aside from giving me his order, he never said a word the entire time that this event was transpiring. 

I won’t bore you with the details, but this lady literally had a hideous glint in her eye, as if she was purposely making my night a living hell out of pure pleasure. I really think she was taking out every one of her frustrations on me. EVERY time that I even got near her, she needed something. I brought Nightmare 8 loaves of bread…… …… …… She asked for bread every ten minutes. When I brought bread, she asked for extra butter; when i bring the butter, she asks for a side of honey. When I bring the honey, she asks for extra napkins. When I bring the napkins, she asks for a fresh sprite (even though she still had 2/3 left of the current one). Seriously…I must have really pissed someone off that week for the bowels of Hell to spit this creature into the restaurant to torment me. 

She was also creating things to order…. “I want this salad, but I want a different lettuce, different dressing, I want to substitute the feta for the bleu cheese, and I want the dressing on the side” Basically I’m wanting to create my own salad, but I”m telling you in the most complicated way possible to drive you insane!

Anyway, apparently she kept talking about me whenever I left the table because all the other servers would come to the kitchen and tell me the things she was saying…. things like, “If she thinks I’m going to eat my salad now, she has another thing coming… I’m taking this to-go”…As if I give two shits whether or not she eats this salad that the poor cook was crying over because he couldn’t understand the instructions on what the hell she wanted in it…..

She also said the following:

Nightmare: Why is our waitress so happy? I’d hate my life if I had her job….. 

I’m not making this shit up. I would LOVE my job ALL THE TIME if it weren’t for people like her that make it nearly impossible.

Anyway, one of my coworkers ran their food for me and when I went to check on it, she said that the steak was underdone on the inside, but burned on the outside, and pointed at the crust on the outside of the steak…. I’m speechless at this point…Not even sure how to respond to the ignorance of Nightmare’s statement… first of all, she ordered it medium rare…and told me she liked a warm red center….the steak is definitely medium rare…. Second of all, it’s not burned you ignorant weirdo. A crust forms when you GRILL A STEAK!

Anyway, long story short, my other tables were watching this lady run me ragged, my manager had to comp her meal, her little pansie of a husband sat there embarrassed the entire time and left me a 15% tip off the total after the comp, and Nightmare dominated me better than a dirty porno for the later half of the night with her constant demands. 

One thing did comfort me though…. One of my favorite coworkers and dearest friends, Golden Girl, said something that made me feel ten times better, and it was this: “Think about how terrible you’d feel if you were married to THAT.”

Thank GOD I don’t actually know anyone like this. I’d probably strangle them.