These are true stories of my experiences as a waitress.

Stories of a Waitress Slowly Going Insane

Kick off those slip resistant shoes and relax

Micro-managing

I don’t really have a way to sugar-coat this statement, so I won’t. People that try to micro-manage things PISS ME THE FUCK OFF. This applies usually to managers, but it can be related to other servers, as well. Customers even do it sometimes, but usually it’s more about them being picky than anything else.

Here’s what happened: I’m not sure how most kitchens/restaurants work, but at ours, someone thought up the idea to designate one door as the “In” door…and one door as the “Out” door. I understand why this was made…. I do…. I understand that it’s supposed to reduce traffic jams between other servers, help keep us from running into each other, etc. But seriously…. It’s really annoying when your section is right next to the “in” door or right next to the “out” door because it doesn’t really make sense to walk all the way around to grab something small like ketchup or A1 when the closest door is right next to you. 

Tonight, Kind Soul (who is probably going to get a new name soon if he keeps it up) decided to enforce the “in” and “out” door rules…on a friday night…. Which was INCREDIBLY annoying. Seriously? Ya can’t find something more important to do? I had two customers have their steaks come out wrong…and THIS is what you’re doing with your time?

Anyway…this really annoyed me. I had a party of 8 that asked for A1, and their table was literally right next to the “in” door…I grabbed the A1 and started to head out of the “in” door again (I was in a hurry  because I’d gotten sat again) when Kind Soul steps in front of me and orders me to use the other door. The man has just defended this door like a goal in hockey. 

………….

It took everything in me not to use my chubby frame to body slam him and just walk right out…. but I want to remain in his good graces, and I’m really not a ballsy person…The most courageous thing I’ve done lately is to probably post this blog about work for the world to see…and I even keep this anonymous…. Anyway, he did this for about two hours at work on a busy friday night…. way to utilize your time on something completely pointless :)

Fast forward to later…. for some reason, we had a lot of parties come in tonight. I wasn’t really involved with the next event, but I was definitely an entertained observer. I watched Crazy Bat tell the server next to her section that she was going to take the 12-top getting sat at their tables, and that she was going to give her one of her other tables. This is bad for two reasons: Crazy Bet gets in the weeds constantly, especially when she takes parties by herself. She is also doing this at the busiest time of the night… I can already smell the shitstorm brewing… hehe

So Crazy Bat immediately gets in the weeds (as expected) just from getting the drink orders, so Kind Soul decides to leave his rank at the “in” door and tell the server next to Crazy Bat that she needs to be helping Crazy Bat with the party… I’m not even sure if she ended up helping her, but because of this, something else happened. 

We get a 17-top of a bunch of teenagers coming in, and they take up four tables. None of those four servers could seem to agree on who was taking the party, and who wasnt…. I’m not sure if there was just a lack of communication, or if they didn’t want to deal with a bunch of young people, or if they just didn’t want to do parties…. Some don’t like doing… I’m not even really a fan of them myself. I have to give up a table to take one usually, and even though you get to add gratuity to them, that doesn’t necessarily guarantee that you will make good money off of it..sometimes I make better money just giving up that table and letting the other server give me a different table in exchange. Anyway, I’m getting sidetracked.

So Kind Soul has been eavesdropping on our conversations all night, and I guess he heard the commotion about who was taking this party, and he pulls all four of the servers aside and gives them a big rant about putting the guests first and all that jazz…then he makes all four of them take it together…. a 17-top…. run by 4 servers….. This is where it actually got pretty funny to me. Fireball was one of the four, and he was cracking me up taking care of his entire FOUR people of the party. The other three seemed to be pretty pissed… but I laughed at the fact that they have four pretty great servers on a party of 17….and they let Crazy Bat have a 12-top by herself.

There is no rhyme or reason to the way things are run at our restaurant, and when it doesn’t involve me, I’m HIGHLY ENTERTAINED. 

Oh, and I later heard that Short Fuse (one of the servers on the party) “forgot” to pay the other three their share of the party. Great organization there, Kind Soul. Really. We had some great laughs after work about that debacle. 

But on a lighter note, we all went in the “in” door and out the “out” door… Until he left, anyway. 

Large Party Irritations

Pet Peeves when doing large parties:

1. When each person has a specific drink request…. such as: water no lemon, water with lemon, diet coke..with lime…. coke with lemon…. sweet tea with extra lemon…unsweet tea with a splash of orange…. 

WTF? SERIOUSLY?! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I WANT TO PUNCH YOU RIGHT NOW WHEN I AM MAKING DRINKS FOR 20+ PEOPLE AND YOU’RE GIVING ME SPECIFICATIONS LIKE THAT?!

2. When they change seats 900 times…. and then get mad when their checks are wrong… How the fuck am I supposed to keep up with which guest has what if you change places a billion times?

3. This is similar to the drink thing… but how am I supposed to keep up with 20 people’s salads when a third of them want no tomato, a third want dressing on the side, some don’t want croutons, some want extra croutons, and all that bullshit? DO YOU KNOW HOW DIFFICULT YOU ARE MAKING MY LIFE RIGHT NOW?! JUST PICK THE SHIT OUT THAT YOU DON’T LIKE! IT TAKES FIVE SECONDS! 

4. When I’ve gone through the ENTIRE party of taking orders, and I get to that last old lady and she doesn’t know what she wants…. Really, lady? You’ve had about half an hour… how much time does it take to decide you just want a side salad and a baked potato? (which you can get ANYWHERE)

5. When you get everyone’s food out, and get all gazillion drinks filled, you ask if anyone needs anything, and everyone just stares at you blankly….. then I walk away, and you all start barking out things you want… “can i get steak sauce? can I get mustard? Can I get ketchup?” 
CAN YOU TELL ME THIS SHIT WHEN I ASK YOU IF YOU NEED ANYTHING?!

6. When you each have separate checks, and then get pissed when it takes a while to close all of you out. Grow up. Don’t come in a restaurant on a weekend and expect to get out quickly when you are being this big of a pain in the ass.

7. When you complain about gratuity being added. No explanation needed. You’re an asshole if you do this. 

8.  When your partner isn’t doing a damn thing to help you run this party. 
(However, this did not happen to me tonight luckily because Girl with the Dragon Tattoo was my partner and we kicked ass together on our party tonight)

9. Kids. They need refills EVERY FIVE SECONDS.

10. People that bring cakes. I’m not making anything extra to bring out plates, new forks, and a birthday cake with lit candles…. yet I have to do it. And I can’t get the table turned because y’all sit there for days. Thanks. Really.

I figure I’ll stop at 10, but this list will probably grow.