Stories of a Waitress Slowly Going Insane

Me: “What salad dressing would you like on your salad?”

Annoying: “What kinds do you have?” 

Me: “Ranch, Honey Mustard, Bleu Cheese, Balsamic, 1000 Island, (the list goes on forever. My restaurant has  like 15).”

After I’ve finally listed all billion dressings that we have:

Annoying: “Oh I’ll just have Ranch.”

… which restaurants do NOT have ranch? (I know there are exceptions, but in a chain restaurant, this is HIGHLY unlikely that you won’t have ranch as a choice…. 

Shut up and get out of my life. 

My biggest pet peeve is when men try to show how “manly” they are by outdrinking us females, and then puking… in front of us…. 

REAL MANYLY OF YOU.

Anyway, I WISH I had been there to witness what happened last night, but I only heard from another coworker so I can’t be as detailed as I’d like to be.

Last night, a man came into our bar and had two shots of Maker’s Mark…paid his bill….and got drunk…

The man got drunk off of TWO SHOTS!…. and then proceeded to puke EVERYWHERE….and the ambulance was called.

Today, he came back in the restaurant because we had his credit card and went up to one of our bartenders, Angelic, who just happened to be the one serving him last night. He said, “Man… I don’t remember ANYTHING from last night. The last thing I clearly remember doing was signing my credit card receipt.”

Angelic: “Well, sir, you had two shots of Maker’s Mark, puked all over my bar, passed out, and then I had to call an ambulance for you.”

WHAT THE FUCK?! hahahahaahahahahahahaahhaahahahahahahahaa

Sign 1 that you never grew a pair…..

In the middle of this INSANE shift on Mother’s Day, the hosts triple-sat me….go fucking figure….. I think a small child has more common sense than our hosts sometimes. First, I got sat with a family of four; in the middle of taking their drink orders, I get sat with a table of 6. In the middle of taking THEIR drink orders, I got sat with a one-top: one old man sitting by himself. He bears a resemblance to that actor, Ernest Borgnine, so I’ll call him EB for short. 

PANIC MODE.

I stopped by and greeted him, and he ordered a Coors Light. Thank God it was a bottle, because I could not fit another glass on my tray of drinks, so that was easy for me to deliver to him. As I dropped off the Coors Light with a tray of drinks in my arm, I told him I would be back as soon as I could. I felt horrible because I knew it would be a while before I got to come back to him with all the drinks I had to drop off. 

I took the four-tops order, then stopped by EB to ask if he was ready to order, and he said, “I actually need a few more minutes, but if you get me another beer, I should be fine for a while.” THANK GOD. I needed time to play catch-up, especially with the six-top that I had to take orders from. 

Later on, I made it back to take his order, and it was quick and painless. I didn’t have to ask him a single question about his order. Thank God for this sweet old man, because if it hadn’t been for him, I would’ve been in the weeds for the next hour atleast. He made that much of a difference. After he ordered, he said, “And I’m in no hurry, honey. I know it’s busy and I’m perfectly fine right now. I’ve been driving all day long, so I need to rest for a bit.” 

After I’d gotten caught up and delivered his salad, I asked him where he was traveling from, and he told me he was driving all the way from North Carolina. Originally, I had thought it was strange for someone to come in a restaurant alone on Mother’s Day, but after he said that, I figured he was en route to see family.

EB was probably one of the sweetest people I have EVER waited on in all the time that I’ve been doing this, and it was so refreshing to have him after all those horrible tables on Mother’s Day. Before I delivered his check, I wrote a note to him saying, “I just wanted to thank you for your kindness and patience. It was truly a blessing, and you are the nicest person I have talked to all day and it truly made my day ten times better. You have no idea how much I appreciated it. - “Insanity”

When I came back to get his card, he said, “That was a very kind note, but it is easy to be nice when I’m treated so well. My son passed away in March and I’m having to drive up here to try and sell his house today. Thank you for being so sweet; you have a beautiful smile and an even more beautiful personality.” He then tipped me $10 on $30, gave me a hug, and left. 

I had waterworks big time. It really put everything into perspective for me, and I’m getting emotional just writing about it now. I had to go into the walk-in fridge to gather myself after that, and then I said a prayer and thanked God for letting me wait on EB, for I will NEVER forget that moment in time. It truly touched my heart, and it made me forget about all the hateful people I had waited on that day, and it was easier to give a genuine smile to my tables after that. 

Six hours later, I was furious after all those crazy tables and crying my eyes out on the way home. I pulled up to my house blubbering like an idiot, and then remembered EB. That’s when my tears stopped and I was able to remember the good in people. 

I had a family of four that ended up being super nice, but the mom (who had a STRIKING resemblance to Nicollette Sheridan) really made me laugh at first.

Me: “Happy Mother’s Day to you, ma’am :)”

NS: “Happy Mother’s Day to you, too! How many children do you have?”

…. I’m 22 years old…. lmfao… there’s no way in Hell I’m having kids anytime soon….

Me: “I do not have any children of my own.”

NS: “Oh, well that’s good that you’re working then, I suppose.”

Is it really good that I’m working?… hahaha… I definitely disagree.

However, I did feel bad for all the servers I work with that do have young children, so I guess I did see her point there. 

Following Mrs. Wine and Mr. Dine, I got sat with another couple, Mr. and Mrs. Joy,  that were also there to enjoy a meal; I say this because they were in no hurry. The wife ordered wine, they were both extremely pleasant, and they made it so easy to take care of them that the only thing that could’ve possibly messed it up was the kitchen. Thankfully, their food came out correctly and they enjoyed themselves. It was truly a joy and pleasure to wait on them. 

At the end of their meal, I asked them how everything was, and Mr. Joy replied, “You know, the food is always excellent, but your service was outstanding. You did a terrific job, and we really appreciate it because we don’t get to relax this often.” 

Biggest. Smile. Ever. 

He then asked me how long I’d been working here, what I was wanting to do for a career, etc., and Mrs. Joy told me that I was destined to do something working with people. 

What are the odds that I ended up with quite possibly the two best tables of the night? 

Oh, and to top it all off, they left a 30% tip on a pretty high tab. Very nice indeed. 

Why can’t everyone be this pleasant all the time? People act like you’ve killed their children if their steak is under-cooked, or they throw a bitch fit if we ran out of a steak they wanted…. This job would be A HUNDRED TIMES easier if more people displayed kindness such as these two couples, and I’m not even talking about tips here. I’m talking about how gracious, polite, and pleasant they were! However, I guess I’m preaching to the choir here since you can rant forever about mean customers. 

I will say that those two tables alone were such a blessing that the rest of my tables that night didn’t affect me one bit. 

After taking off work and draining the last of my savings, I finally came in Saturday night and had a shift that DIDN’T suck or make me want to scream at the top of my lungs out of agony. We were INSANELY busy because of some events going on locally, and also because a hotel just opened right next door to the restaurant, so I had a ton of tables.  One table in particular really made my night…

I got sat with a couple, Mrs. Wine and Mr. Dine; I call them that because they were truly there just to enjoy a meal and enjoy themselves. They were super cool and nice; Mrs. Wine was absolutely hilarious. She told me she’d waited tables before, which automatically makes me like someone. She gave me compliments on my service and basically made my night just by being so kind and funny. It’s tables like this that make waiting on the shitheads ten times easier; they make you remember the good people in this world. It put a huge smile on my face for the rest of the night, and I honestly think my tips were higher that night because I was able to keep a bright attitude and smile throughout. 

Thanks, Mrs. Wine and Mr. Dine :) I hope you get to read this; you know who you are. 

There is so much for me to talk about right now, yet I have no time to explain.

When I’m done seething, crying, working my other job, and sleeping, I will fill all of you lovers in on how “awesome” my weekend was. 

There is absolutely NO EXCUSE for a server to tip another server like shit unless there was some RIDICULOUS circumstance where there was not good service. However, it’s hard to believe that that would happen. I would never purposely give bad service to someone; it’s how I make my money. Why would I treat you like shit when you’re the one paying my bills? 

Two examples: 

Last night, Goldengirl was waiting on a young lady who works for another restaurant in our chain. This means that she gets 25% off her meal. We know she’s a server because we have been to the place she works at. Goldengirl gives excellent service and she’s an absolute sweetheart. Her tip: 5 on 37. That’s just under 15% , and that’s AFTER she got 25% off. 

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING RIDICULOUS! YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE AND YOU KNOW HOW TIPPING WORKS AND YOU WORK FOR TIPS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO DO THAT TO SOMEONE THAT WORKS FOR THE SAME COMPANY AS YOU?! THE FUCK?! 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

If any of you do this to me, I WILL write about your cheap asses. Make no mistake. 

Example 2:

My restaurant is across from a Waffle House; last night we had two “lovely” ladies that work there come in and sit in Crazy Bat’s section before their shift started. They ordered the cheapest steaks on the menu, and honestly, they looked like real pains in the asses. Thank God I didn’t have to wait on them. THANK GOD. My fuse is short enough already without this bullshit.

Anyway, they complained to Crazybat about their steaks; typical. She came back to the kitchen to tell Kind Soul. As I passed their table, one of them grabbed me with an arm shaped like a tree trunk. Seriously; this bitch was fat and strong as an ox. 

Gross lady: “I NEED TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER.”

Me: “Take your hand off me. Do not touch me.”

I then went back to the kitchen, told Kind Soul and Crazybat, then ran my happy self the fuck away from their table. I see them bitch and moan to Kind Soul for 20 minutes about how “awful” their steaks are, how Crazybat acted snotty to them (pretty sure anyone would come off snotty to them because they were ignorant, redneck bitches and I also know that Crazybat would do no such thing), how they had HORRIBLE service, how they were NEVER coming back again, and a whole bunch of nonsense. Wanna know what Kindsoul did? 

PAID FOR THEIR MEALS, so that they will COME BACK AGAIN….

I guess I’ll be paying a fun visit to that Waffle House REAL soon ;) 

Jk. I’m not that mean. If it were my table though, you can bet your ass I would’ve gone in there and raised some major hell over a fucking waffle just to show them what pieces of shit they acted like. Oh, and they stiffed Crazybat. Utter trash. 

(This is in no way making fun of anyone that works at WH. I actually have friends that work there. These women, however, quite obviously came from the bowels of Hell just to get a free meal and bitch and moan about their shitty lives. Just sayin.)

It was Country Clown’s last night tonight, and I wanted to cry :( Not only is he hilarious, but he’s one of the few managers that will listen and doesn’t treat me like I’m a brand new server (even though I’ve been here a year now). He also doesn’t let the shady people get away with shit.  

Example: Tonight, Lazyass and Short Fuse tried to pull a fast one on Sweet n Sassy and Fireball (the two closers). Lazyass rolled his silver, showed it to the closers, then came back and put it in the back of the kitchen, where Short Fuse proceeded to label it as his silverware. 

WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! WE ARE GIVEN THE SAME SHIT TO DO EACH NIGHT, AND YET THERE ARE STILL THOSE WHO TRY AND GET AWAY WITH IT! (also, the shady people are the people getting the big huge sections, bringing home the most money, and then getting out of doing work because they’re shady). 

Since I’ve lost all tolerance for stupidity, and I really have no qualms about being the tattletale because it pisses me the fuck off that I get treated like shit yet always do what I’m supposed to do, I marched up to Fireball and told him what I saw. Fireball told Sweet n Sassy, and she told Country Clown. 

Country Clown THE ENFORCER!!! FINALLY SOME JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD!

Lazyass and Short Fuse, there is a reason that your lives continue to be so shitty. It’s called karma. Maybe if you spent more time working hard instead of expecting life to hand you everything on a silver platter, you’d be able to get out of this hellhole so that you quit making everyone so miserable. How’s THAT for some advice?! 

I’ve gotten to that point… the point where just the thought of putting on my slip resistant shoes makes me gag with revulsion, the sight of my apron makes me want to cry, and the thought of working makes me positively ill. I hate this job, and it’s making me have a horrible attitude that I think is starting to rub off on everyone else. 

Therefore, I’m taking tomorrow night (Friday) off. I really hope Hell does not freeze over. It’s been a while since I took an entire weekend off. My wallet will suffer, but fuck it. I’m tired of being so burned out. 

Oh, and I just got hired full time by a company that I hope to stay on with after I graduate. Yay for my career! 

We have a server at work that everyone calls Frodo because that’s who he looks like; SERIOUSLY. He’s super short, adorable, and ABSOLUTELY FUCKING CLUELESS!!!!!!!

I love him to death; he’s a real sweet kid… However, he should NEVER BE ALLOWED TO WAIT TABLES. He gets in the weeds the second he has one table; he tries to give away tables throughout the shift, and it’s hilarious. Whoever ends up next to him on a Friday night ends up making about 50 bucks extra because he let’s them have one of his tables. 

What’s sad is, he is incredibly gifted in other areas. Everyone talks about how great he is at music and all that stuff. However, the boy lacks total common sense.

All of his tables’ orders are always wrong; no one ever wants to run his food because they have to make about 1000 trips back to the tables to fix whatever he fucked up. Oh, and heaven forbid the table orders an appetizer, because he will ring up the appetizer, dinner, and anything else all at once. One of his tables got their appetizer with their salads, and five seconds later, their steaks came.

He’s actually quite hilarious once you stop getting annoyed by him. I caught him hiding in the walk-in fridge once. Sometimes we play Where’s Waldo, only it’s “Where’s Frodo?”

He’s always conveniently gone whenever you need him, and he freaks out so easily.

They sat an 8-top in his section, and he ran into the kitchen and said, “Guys, they put an 8-top at my table, and I JUST CANNOT HANDLE THAT RIGHT NOW,” in the most serious voice of all time. 

Wanna know what we did?

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA….

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

It was like a big chorus of laughing in the back, and then Frodo let Crazy Bat take the party. Fun times. 

Last night, I waited on a family of three that all ordered the large filet dinners, well done (classy, right?), and one of our biggest and most decadent desserts. 

Tab: 74.50

The dad handed me the check and said, “It’s one of those gift card visas, so just run it like a normal credit card.” No shit, Sherlock. 

Anyway, I run it and bring it back, then ran to the kitchen to get stuff for my family because they came in to see me. I come back, and the dad flags me down and says, “Can I tip you off of the gift card?” 

“If there’s a balance left on there, then yes, you can use it to tip me.” 

He tipped 13.50, so I took the receipt back to the computer to type it in, only it wouldn’t take it because it kept saying insufficient funds. I then look at the receipt where it says that the remaining balance before gratuity is 12.48. 

Wtf?