These are true stories of my experiences as a waitress.

Stories of a Waitress Slowly Going Insane

Kick off those slip resistant shoes and relax

Coupons

First of all, people that tip on the amount AFTER their meal has been discounted are shitheads. Point blank. I’m still having to tip out on the percentage of my SALES, meaning that I tip out 2.5% of your tab regardless of how much you’re actually tipping me. 

Second of all, why do you INSIST on plucking your motherfucking coupons on the table the second you sit down? Are you trying to show that your cheapskates, because it’s working. I’m all about saving a dollar, but handing me the coupon before you’ve even ordered is extremely annoying. I can’t even apply it until it’s time to pay, so why are you handing it to me so quickly? It’s not going to burn if you don’t use it fast enough.

Third of all, please just hand me your form of payment and the coupon all at once. It makes it so much easier. You can’t tell me you don’t know how much it’s going to cost after the coupon if the coupon says $4 off two dinners. This means that your ticket will be FOUR DOLLARS LESS than the original amount. Rocket science? I think not. Come on people, you’re not THAT stupid. 

Oh, and quit trying to use 100 fucking coupons at once. It clearly says that you can only use one per table per visit. Quit trying to cheat the system. You can’t do stuff like that in a retail store, so why are you doing it in a restaurant? This means, do not bring a $4 off two dinners, free appetizer, and a free dessert, and then get pissed when I can’t take all three. I know you can read. 

There. I’m done. 

*shaking my damn head*

Exhaustion

I’m getting exhausted by how fucking stupid everyone seems to be getting.

Examples of stupid things said or asked of me last night…. and responses I wish I could have said…

"Do y’all got a vegetable plate?" no, you ignorant bitch…this isn’t cracker barrel…

"We are splitting the sirloin, baked potato, and the salad. For the salad, can we have extra dressing, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, cheese, and croutons?" Yeah, if you want me to charge you for an extra SALAD, then you can have all of those things. Cheap asses….

"We are splitting the sirloin, baked potato, and salad, so we will need an extra plate." No shit, asshole. I’m not an idiot.

"I want the prime rib, but no fat." the fuck? if any of you have eaten/seen prime rib, it’s pretty marbled no matter where you get it at. 

As she bit into a filet that she ordered well done: “Are you sure this is a filet? It’s not tender?” Really? A well-done steak isn’t tender? You really slipped one past me there, genius.

"I’ll have the steak, please." Would you like to elaborate? This IS a steakhouse, you ignorant waste of cells.