Stories of a Waitress Slowly Going Insane

My biggest pet peeve is when men try to show how “manly” they are by outdrinking us females, and then puking… in front of us…. 

REAL MANYLY OF YOU.

Anyway, I WISH I had been there to witness what happened last night, but I only heard from another coworker so I can’t be as detailed as I’d like to be.

Last night, a man came into our bar and had two shots of Maker’s Mark…paid his bill….and got drunk…

The man got drunk off of TWO SHOTS!…. and then proceeded to puke EVERYWHERE….and the ambulance was called.

Today, he came back in the restaurant because we had his credit card and went up to one of our bartenders, Angelic, who just happened to be the one serving him last night. He said, “Man… I don’t remember ANYTHING from last night. The last thing I clearly remember doing was signing my credit card receipt.”

Angelic: “Well, sir, you had two shots of Maker’s Mark, puked all over my bar, passed out, and then I had to call an ambulance for you.”

WHAT THE FUCK?! hahahahaahahahahahahaahhaahahahahahahahaa

Sign 1 that you never grew a pair…..

I had a family of four that ended up being super nice, but the mom (who had a STRIKING resemblance to Nicollette Sheridan) really made me laugh at first.

Me: “Happy Mother’s Day to you, ma’am :)”

NS: “Happy Mother’s Day to you, too! How many children do you have?”

…. I’m 22 years old…. lmfao… there’s no way in Hell I’m having kids anytime soon….

Me: “I do not have any children of my own.”

NS: “Oh, well that’s good that you’re working then, I suppose.”

Is it really good that I’m working?… hahaha… I definitely disagree.

However, I did feel bad for all the servers I work with that do have young children, so I guess I did see her point there. 

Following Mrs. Wine and Mr. Dine, I got sat with another couple, Mr. and Mrs. Joy,  that were also there to enjoy a meal; I say this because they were in no hurry. The wife ordered wine, they were both extremely pleasant, and they made it so easy to take care of them that the only thing that could’ve possibly messed it up was the kitchen. Thankfully, their food came out correctly and they enjoyed themselves. It was truly a joy and pleasure to wait on them. 

At the end of their meal, I asked them how everything was, and Mr. Joy replied, “You know, the food is always excellent, but your service was outstanding. You did a terrific job, and we really appreciate it because we don’t get to relax this often.” 

Biggest. Smile. Ever. 

He then asked me how long I’d been working here, what I was wanting to do for a career, etc., and Mrs. Joy told me that I was destined to do something working with people. 

What are the odds that I ended up with quite possibly the two best tables of the night? 

Oh, and to top it all off, they left a 30% tip on a pretty high tab. Very nice indeed. 

Why can’t everyone be this pleasant all the time? People act like you’ve killed their children if their steak is under-cooked, or they throw a bitch fit if we ran out of a steak they wanted…. This job would be A HUNDRED TIMES easier if more people displayed kindness such as these two couples, and I’m not even talking about tips here. I’m talking about how gracious, polite, and pleasant they were! However, I guess I’m preaching to the choir here since you can rant forever about mean customers. 

I will say that those two tables alone were such a blessing that the rest of my tables that night didn’t affect me one bit. 

After taking off work and draining the last of my savings, I finally came in Saturday night and had a shift that DIDN’T suck or make me want to scream at the top of my lungs out of agony. We were INSANELY busy because of some events going on locally, and also because a hotel just opened right next door to the restaurant, so I had a ton of tables.  One table in particular really made my night…

I got sat with a couple, Mrs. Wine and Mr. Dine; I call them that because they were truly there just to enjoy a meal and enjoy themselves. They were super cool and nice; Mrs. Wine was absolutely hilarious. She told me she’d waited tables before, which automatically makes me like someone. She gave me compliments on my service and basically made my night just by being so kind and funny. It’s tables like this that make waiting on the shitheads ten times easier; they make you remember the good people in this world. It put a huge smile on my face for the rest of the night, and I honestly think my tips were higher that night because I was able to keep a bright attitude and smile throughout. 

Thanks, Mrs. Wine and Mr. Dine :) I hope you get to read this; you know who you are. 

There is so much for me to talk about right now, yet I have no time to explain.

When I’m done seething, crying, working my other job, and sleeping, I will fill all of you lovers in on how “awesome” my weekend was. 

First of all, people that tip on the amount AFTER their meal has been discounted are shitheads. Point blank. I’m still having to tip out on the percentage of my SALES, meaning that I tip out 2.5% of your tab regardless of how much you’re actually tipping me. 

Second of all, why do you INSIST on plucking your motherfucking coupons on the table the second you sit down? Are you trying to show that your cheapskates, because it’s working. I’m all about saving a dollar, but handing me the coupon before you’ve even ordered is extremely annoying. I can’t even apply it until it’s time to pay, so why are you handing it to me so quickly? It’s not going to burn if you don’t use it fast enough.

Third of all, please just hand me your form of payment and the coupon all at once. It makes it so much easier. You can’t tell me you don’t know how much it’s going to cost after the coupon if the coupon says $4 off two dinners. This means that your ticket will be FOUR DOLLARS LESS than the original amount. Rocket science? I think not. Come on people, you’re not THAT stupid. 

Oh, and quit trying to use 100 fucking coupons at once. It clearly says that you can only use one per table per visit. Quit trying to cheat the system. You can’t do stuff like that in a retail store, so why are you doing it in a restaurant? This means, do not bring a $4 off two dinners, free appetizer, and a free dessert, and then get pissed when I can’t take all three. I know you can read. 

There. I’m done. 

*shaking my damn head*

It was Country Clown’s last night tonight, and I wanted to cry :( Not only is he hilarious, but he’s one of the few managers that will listen and doesn’t treat me like I’m a brand new server (even though I’ve been here a year now). He also doesn’t let the shady people get away with shit.  

Example: Tonight, Lazyass and Short Fuse tried to pull a fast one on Sweet n Sassy and Fireball (the two closers). Lazyass rolled his silver, showed it to the closers, then came back and put it in the back of the kitchen, where Short Fuse proceeded to label it as his silverware. 

WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! WE ARE GIVEN THE SAME SHIT TO DO EACH NIGHT, AND YET THERE ARE STILL THOSE WHO TRY AND GET AWAY WITH IT! (also, the shady people are the people getting the big huge sections, bringing home the most money, and then getting out of doing work because they’re shady). 

Since I’ve lost all tolerance for stupidity, and I really have no qualms about being the tattletale because it pisses me the fuck off that I get treated like shit yet always do what I’m supposed to do, I marched up to Fireball and told him what I saw. Fireball told Sweet n Sassy, and she told Country Clown. 

Country Clown THE ENFORCER!!! FINALLY SOME JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD!

Lazyass and Short Fuse, there is a reason that your lives continue to be so shitty. It’s called karma. Maybe if you spent more time working hard instead of expecting life to hand you everything on a silver platter, you’d be able to get out of this hellhole so that you quit making everyone so miserable. How’s THAT for some advice?! 

I’ve gotten to that point… the point where just the thought of putting on my slip resistant shoes makes me gag with revulsion, the sight of my apron makes me want to cry, and the thought of working makes me positively ill. I hate this job, and it’s making me have a horrible attitude that I think is starting to rub off on everyone else. 

Therefore, I’m taking tomorrow night (Friday) off. I really hope Hell does not freeze over. It’s been a while since I took an entire weekend off. My wallet will suffer, but fuck it. I’m tired of being so burned out. 

Oh, and I just got hired full time by a company that I hope to stay on with after I graduate. Yay for my career! 

We have a server at work that everyone calls Frodo because that’s who he looks like; SERIOUSLY. He’s super short, adorable, and ABSOLUTELY FUCKING CLUELESS!!!!!!!

I love him to death; he’s a real sweet kid… However, he should NEVER BE ALLOWED TO WAIT TABLES. He gets in the weeds the second he has one table; he tries to give away tables throughout the shift, and it’s hilarious. Whoever ends up next to him on a Friday night ends up making about 50 bucks extra because he let’s them have one of his tables. 

What’s sad is, he is incredibly gifted in other areas. Everyone talks about how great he is at music and all that stuff. However, the boy lacks total common sense.

All of his tables’ orders are always wrong; no one ever wants to run his food because they have to make about 1000 trips back to the tables to fix whatever he fucked up. Oh, and heaven forbid the table orders an appetizer, because he will ring up the appetizer, dinner, and anything else all at once. One of his tables got their appetizer with their salads, and five seconds later, their steaks came.

He’s actually quite hilarious once you stop getting annoyed by him. I caught him hiding in the walk-in fridge once. Sometimes we play Where’s Waldo, only it’s “Where’s Frodo?”

He’s always conveniently gone whenever you need him, and he freaks out so easily.

They sat an 8-top in his section, and he ran into the kitchen and said, “Guys, they put an 8-top at my table, and I JUST CANNOT HANDLE THAT RIGHT NOW,” in the most serious voice of all time. 

Wanna know what we did?

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA….

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

It was like a big chorus of laughing in the back, and then Frodo let Crazy Bat take the party. Fun times. 

Last night, I waited on a family of three that all ordered the large filet dinners, well done (classy, right?), and one of our biggest and most decadent desserts. 

Tab: 74.50

The dad handed me the check and said, “It’s one of those gift card visas, so just run it like a normal credit card.” No shit, Sherlock. 

Anyway, I run it and bring it back, then ran to the kitchen to get stuff for my family because they came in to see me. I come back, and the dad flags me down and says, “Can I tip you off of the gift card?” 

“If there’s a balance left on there, then yes, you can use it to tip me.” 

He tipped 13.50, so I took the receipt back to the computer to type it in, only it wouldn’t take it because it kept saying insufficient funds. I then look at the receipt where it says that the remaining balance before gratuity is 12.48. 

Wtf? 

Fuck prom kids. Seriously.

I don’t even think I have to elaborate on this. If not, just private message me. I’ll give you an awesome explanation

Since the host now lives with one of the servers, he conveniently sits the best-known tippers with Half-pint…. JOY….. 

This means I will probably never get to wait on the Austrians, Lady Cosmo and Sam Adams, ever again :(