These are true stories of my experiences as a waitress.

Stories of a Waitress Slowly Going Insane

Kick off those slip resistant shoes and relax

Coupons

First of all, people that tip on the amount AFTER their meal has been discounted are shitheads. Point blank. I’m still having to tip out on the percentage of my SALES, meaning that I tip out 2.5% of your tab regardless of how much you’re actually tipping me. 

Second of all, why do you INSIST on plucking your motherfucking coupons on the table the second you sit down? Are you trying to show that your cheapskates, because it’s working. I’m all about saving a dollar, but handing me the coupon before you’ve even ordered is extremely annoying. I can’t even apply it until it’s time to pay, so why are you handing it to me so quickly? It’s not going to burn if you don’t use it fast enough.

Third of all, please just hand me your form of payment and the coupon all at once. It makes it so much easier. You can’t tell me you don’t know how much it’s going to cost after the coupon if the coupon says $4 off two dinners. This means that your ticket will be FOUR DOLLARS LESS than the original amount. Rocket science? I think not. Come on people, you’re not THAT stupid. 

Oh, and quit trying to use 100 fucking coupons at once. It clearly says that you can only use one per table per visit. Quit trying to cheat the system. You can’t do stuff like that in a retail store, so why are you doing it in a restaurant? This means, do not bring a $4 off two dinners, free appetizer, and a free dessert, and then get pissed when I can’t take all three. I know you can read. 

There. I’m done. 

*shaking my damn head*

It’s that time of the year…

Fuck prom kids. Seriously.

I don’t even think I have to elaborate on this. If not, just private message me. I’ll give you an awesome explanation

Someone poached the Austrians

Since the host now lives with one of the servers, he conveniently sits the best-known tippers with Half-pint…. JOY….. 

This means I will probably never get to wait on the Austrians, Lady Cosmo and Sam Adams, ever again :(

Mouthbreather

Our DM is such a fucking mouthbreather…. whenever he comes by, he stays the whole day and just walks around breathing down everyone’s neck and talks in this child molester voice and asks a billion questions at once: “Hey gal! How’s it going today? All your food coming out alright? Everything going okay? Have you tried our new dish? Been personalizing drink orders? Been giving great service? Have you been PERSONALIZING YOUR SERVICE?”

personalize my service… how about I personalize your face? 

He then asked me how I personalize my service for each guest every day. 

Let’s see… When they piss me off, I don’t rip their fucking heads off like I’m tempted to! jk…. I’m not even sure what I told him. 

Whenever he’s around, Unstable walks around with this look of dread on his face like any moment, a bomb will go off. The others freak out in the kitchen trying to make sure nothing goes wrong… And it just so happens that EVERYTHING goes wrong all at once.

Then he will stand behind you while you are greeting your tables. I was talking to this family of four yesterday, and I watched as their eyes lost contact with  mine and started watching behind me. I turn, and Mouthbreather is standing right behind me staring at them and smiling with that creepy smile of his. FUCKING CREEPER. 

Table-hoppers

Tonight I only had one table for about an hour and a half. Wanna know why? 

BITCHES KEPT HOPPING TABLES!

Scarjo came up and asked if I could handle a sixtop, and I was like, fuck yes I can handle it I”m super bored. She proceeded to set me up with one, and she seats two ladies there. I do my standard greet and suggest some cocktails, to which one of them readily selects my favorite… I ring in the martini she selected and get bread and water for the other lady. 

I grab the martini, come around the corner, and guess what? THEY’RE GONE. 

…..the fuck?

Then, Scarjo comes up to me with this sad look on her face…and then I know what happened….

Scarjo: “They didn’t want to sit there and moved to the back corner…” 

And the table that they’re at? A large booth that seats up to 6 or 7 people… and it’s most definitely NOT in my section…. even better, the server with that section is extremely selfish and would never offer to trade tables. 

I approach the table where the ladies are and drop off the drinks and let them know that I’ll get the tabs transferred over, to which they give me these bullshit sad sighs and protests. Ahem. 

THIS ISN’T MY TABLE, SO I CAN’T WAIT ON YOU, YOU IGNORANT DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES!

"We wanted somewhere more private because we all wanna talk." one of them tells me and gives me a pouty, apologetic look.

What? Are you secret service agents? Are you planning a top secret bank heist? Because honestly, I doubt any other tables will give two fucks what you’re talking about. It’s not like your lives are THAT interesting. Give me a break…. *insert eye roll here*

OH, and I’m not even finished.

So then Scarjo seats me with a four top, only theres only two people there. I get their drink orders, come back, and they tell me that they’ve had an emergency and need to go get the people they were supposed to meet, and run out the door.

By this time, I have no tables. FML

I’VE DECIDED I HAVE ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES THAT WILL NOT BE RESOLVED IF I CONTINUE WITH THIS JOB, BECAUSE IT IS CAUSING ME TO WRITE IN ALL CAPS TO DESCRIBE HOW MUCH I WANT TO SCREAM THESE STATEMENTS!!!!!!!!!!! I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE!

Oh, and by the way, here’s how “awesome” some of my coworkers are: 

When that six-top moved, I went up to the server whose table they moved to and said, “T, you will need to get the tab from my table transferred to yours because they moved to your table after I’d already rung in their alcohol. Ask CC to——-“

And he interrupts and says, “WAIT! YOU CAN’T TAKE MY BIG TABLE. NO WAY!”

THE FUCK?! I’M TRYING TO BE A FUCKING DECENT PERSON AND TELL YOU THAT I’M GOING TO GET THE TAB TRANSFERRED TO YOU, AND THAT’S HOW YOU RESPOND?!!!!!

FUCK SELFISH COWORKERS! YOU’RE A BIG WASTE OF SPACE. 

Apparently I have boyfriends now

Tonight I got sat with two guys in their early/mid thirties that asked to see the manager the second I greeted them… They were super nice, so I wasn’t sure what was going on, but I just went and told Unstable that he was needed.

Apparently their last experience at our restaurant had sucked big balls, so he was giving them free dinner. 

Smooth Talker ordered water, while Hick (he was super country) ordered beer. They then ordered an appetizer and then two porterhouses. They were CERTAINLY milking this free dinner for all it’s worth hahahaha. Hell, I don’t blame them really. Before I leave, Hick hands me a $50 bill and tells me to break it and take $10 out of it for a tip and bring him the rest. 

Smooth Talker says, “He’s a server and apparently thinks he should tip first.” 

I got no problem with that, fellas.

However, they managed to hit on me and just about all of the other female servers working tonight throughout their time. They referred to me as “baby”, so one of my tables assumed one of them was my boyfriend… which is false…. since I am incapable of dating…. They especially loved grabbing and touching up and down my arms, which was seriously irritating. 

At the end they tipped me another $10, so I guess it wasn’t all that TERRIBLE to put up with, but it was somewhat embarrassing after a while. Plus, I don’t like being touched, especially by customers. It’s an awkward situation to be in, because you risk offending your customers by sticking up for yourself, yet you are uncomfortable? 

Oh well. Glad tonight’s over. 

Women

Women really are some of the shittiest tippers, and I don’t care which feminists that I offend with that statement, because being a woman myself, I don’t give a fuck. Yes, there are exceptions, as there are with every stereotype, but most of the exceptions are those that have had this job before, or who have kids that currently have the job. 

They all order water with lemon, then say, “I just want a salad and a baked potato… but bring the salad out first (no shit, you dumb bitch… I’m not an idiot). Oh, and I want everything on the side. With extra onion… and no crouton.”  

Or, they try to invent things on the menu, such as one of my precious women tonight: “I’ll have the soup and salad combo.”

…. “Maam…. we don’t have one of those….”

"Oh, well then I’ll just have the porkchops." So did you REALLY want the soup and salad combo, or are you just trying to pretend you live a healthy lifestyle in front of your other friends? Because the difference in ordering porkchops and a soup/salad is pretty vast. 

Then, they take up your table for hours just to talk about their shitty lives, and then each tip a dollar and think they’re being soooo generous. 

GO TO STARBUCKS TO CHAT! GET OUT OF MY LIFE AND QUIT TAKING UP MY MONEY-MAKING BOOTH, YOU SNOBBY, MOTOR-MOUTH WASTES OF HUMAN AIR! Find something else to do other than analyzing how Dr. Phil has saved your life/marriage/baby/car/hair. 

Guess who came in today?

The fucking bitch, Mrs. Talkative and her annoying husband Mr. Talkative…and they were ONE TABLE away from my section. THE DAY AFTER THEY KEPT ME AT WORK LATE.  As I watched them walk through the door, my stomach fell because I watched the host lead them near my section…closer…closer….CLOSER…. 

SAVED. She went one table past my section. Another server waited on them while they watched me and gave me evil looks from afar…. assholes…. and they left within a reasonable amount of time for the other server. I hate people. 

Doctor Snobby

So I’ve been with a weightloss program since the beginning of January, and each month I meet with this doctor that asks me all types of questions to see how my progress is going. The last time I went, I had a brand new one that I’d never seen before. 

She asked me what types of exercise I do daily, and my response was, “I wait tables.”

… blank stare…..

… minutes roll by….

… more blank staring….

Doctor Snobby: “So…. do you do anything when you get off of work as far as exercise goes?”

Me: “Yes; I use my upper arm strength to open a bottle of wine, drink heavily, and then blog about shitty customers until I feel like all is right in the world… then I pass the fuck out.” 

another blank stare

Doctor Snobby: “So you consider waiting tables exercise?”

"Nope… I consider it a vacation from the world… OF COURSE IT’S EXERCISE! I never stop moving around like a maniac until the night is over with." 

Doctor Snobby: “Oh… Well it’s obviously working for you since you’ve lost weight so far….” 

no shit, Sherlock. 

Ghetto People

I’m tired of ghetto people ordering Strawberry Daiquiris and Strawberry Lemonades like they’re going out of style, and then thinking it’s acceptable to leave a dollar as a tip… Fuck you, too, you ignorant assholes.  

Face hitting palm….

Adam Lambert and Skeletor

I waited on two people my age last night; the guy resembled Adam Lambert without makeup, and the girl, Skeletor, was so teeny that I think she managed to take MAYBE three bites of food the whole time. They ordered sodas, an appetizer, and two entrees. 

Total tab: 44.50

- 25.00 gift card

-20.00 cash

I bring back their 50 cents and thank them. 

Tip: 1.50

Fuck you, assholes. WHY DO PEOPLE TIP LIKE SHIT WHEN THEY AREN’T EVEN PAYING FOR THE ENTIRE THING?! WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE AND YOUR MOTHERFUCKING GIFT CARDS?!

Fucking Mad!

Tonight sucked. I got stiffed. However, there’s more to this story than just the fact that some asshole didn’t tip. I’ll start from the beginning….

I got sat with a couple, a white guy and maybe a latino woman? I’m not totally sure of her nationality, but I’m going to call him MC (will explain later) and her Silence.

The reason that I refer to the girl as Silence is because when they ordered their food, she would not speak directly to me. In fact, he did the majority of the ordering for her until I get to the salad. 

"Which salad would you like?" I ask as I look directly at her. Instead of giving me the courtesy of her gaze, she instead stared at MC whispered to him that she wanted the house salad.

MC: “She wants the house salad.” (Thanks, captain obvious)

I then look at her again and ask which dressing she’d like. She mumbles something to MC again, and he says, “She’ll have thousand island.”

THE FUCK? WHY IN THE HELL DO PEOPLE DO THIS?!

I find this disrespectful for two reasons: 1. I’m a woman, and other women before these past generations fought their pretty asses off for us to have some semblance of equality so that we have a voice. 2. I’m not a servant, and I’m certainly not beneath you. Look me in the fucking eye and tell me what you want to order. That’s what you’re at a restaurant for. 

Anyway, this REALLY ticked me off. Sometimes it’s cute when husbands order for their wives. However, the wives always look at me and smile, and when the husband forgets to say something, they look directly at me and tell me sweetly. They don’t whisper to their husband to tell me when I’m standing RIGHT THERE. What a crock of SHIT! (can you tell how heated this makes me?) There are women in other countries that aren’t even allowed to wear what they want in public, and this woman won’t even use her voice to tell me what she wants to eat? She didn’t have any type of accent, and it was quite obvious that she was FROM this country. 

Throughout this couple’s dining experience, I give awesome service. They never had to ask for a refill, I brought ketchup with his fries, etc. I anticipated their needs and they ate every bite of their food. Basically, they seemed to have a nice dining experience. 

Moving on… So they get the bill and I run MC’s credit card, then hand it off, thank them, and move on to my next table to take their order. While I’m finishing up that table’s order, the couple leaves, so I immediately walk over to the table to get my booklet and prebus so that I can get another table. I then look at my credit receipt, and low and behold: I have just been completely stiffed. MC drew a line through the tip area, and then wrote the original amount in the “total” blank, then signed his name.

WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT?! I’ve been stiffed before; hell, I’m a waitress. It comes with the territory, and unfortunately, it happens more than it should because some people are assholes. I did not give them bad service; why would I? The way that I get paid is by giving good service. I don’t get paid hourly.

In fact, I technically just PAID to wait on this couple because I have to tip out 2.5% of my total sales, whether I got tipped or not.

What makes me SO angry about this particular incident though, is the fact that it was so blatant. How can you be so blunt and shameless about not tipping? WHAT A FUCKING IDIOT! HIS NAME IS ON THE CREDIT RECEIPT! Which is why, his name is MC…because I know his REAL name. I will NEVER forget his name, and when I leave my restaurant one day and get into a career that uses my degree, I AM CALLING YOUR ASS OUT, MC!

I AM GOING TO EDIT THIS BLOG POST AND POST YOUR FULL NAME, AND ANYONE THAT KNOWS YOU WILL KNOW WHAT A TOTAL ASSHOLE YOU ARE! WANNA KNOW WHY? BECAUSE YOUR DUMB ASS STIFFED ME VIA A CREDIT RECEIPT! 

ugh. seriously. I’ve had worse stiffs on higher tabs, but this one just pissed me off. Especially since it was on a weeknight. Weeknights are slower so it’s hard to make up for a table that stiffed me. MY BLOOD IS BOILING. 

*UPDATE* HIS NAME IS MICHAEL CARVER AND HE’S FROM FRANKLIN, TN. HA. this made me feel better. 

A tale of old people: Austrians vs. Devil’s Spawn Old Biddies

I had to wait on two sets of old people last night that were COMPLETELY different from each other in EVERY WAY. The Austrians vs. The Old Biddies. Guess who won my vote for most awesome old people award? 

So I get sat with a 5-top, only all of them showed up at different intervals… As they slowly begin to fill up the table, I realize that I’m about to have a server’s nightmare on a friday night: OLD LADIES THAT SIT FOR HOURS. They all order water with lemon and proceed to make ghetto lemonade, they all order the cheapest shit on the menu, and they have fucking coupons…. 

REALLY?! YOU’RE ALREADY ORDERING THE CHEAPEST SHIT OF ALL TIME, AND THEN YOU BRING SOME DAMN COUPONS!!!! (Therefore bringing my already cheap tip even lower as usual, since old people usually tip on the amount AFTER THE DISCOUNT)

Anyway, after all five ordered, their bill totaled out to 66 bucks…. FIVE PEOPLE…. and they sat there for THREE HOURS!!!! ON A FRIDAY NIGHT!!!!! (For those of you that don’t serve, the way that we make money on fridays and saturdays are by turning tables quickly. Tips aren’t the best on weekends because of the clientele, but you turn tables so quickly that it ends up saving your ass)

So at the end of the meal, they each tell me they have separate checks, but would it be possible to use these two coupons on the entrees? Both the coupons are $4 off TWO entrees…meaning, you have to buy TWO DINNERS to get four dollars off. I emphasize this to say that old ladies never understand the concept of an entree…they always order a salad and a baked potato (Another pet peeve of mine since it costs about 4 dollars less to make that yourself from common grocery items!) and then expect you to use their stupid coupon…

Anyway, I tell them that I can take two dollars off of four entrees instead since they all have separate checks. The total coupon worth is $8… there is a reason I say this with emphasis…. At the end of their meal, I ask them which people they wanted me to take $2 off of…. Old Biddie#5 then gives me this look of horror and says, “Why can’t you take  $2 off of all of us?”

I then reply uncertainly, “Well… the coupon is four dollars, and you have two of them…so that’s four entrees that get discounted…. I can’t split $8 by five people because that’s an odd number.”

She then says, “What do you mean? I don’t understand why you can’t just take $2 off of all of our meals!” 

This is where I get pissed. Expecting me to bend the rules for you when you’ve been a bitch to me all night and taken up my money-making table for three hours is BEYOND RIDICULOUS. What is so special about you that I’m supposed to just automatically assume that I’m bending the rules for you? Did you win the Nobel Peace Prize in your time? 

If this woman had kindly asked me to bend the rules or ask a manager if I could do so, then I would feel much differently. However, having this expectant attitude is revolting to me. I CANNOT STAND when people automatically expect you to do things for them. It  makes me want to do the opposite actually. 

I basically have to deal with Old Biddy 5 haranguing me about the stupid fucking coupons for about 10 more minutes. I finally run to the kitchen to Country Clown and say, “CC, can you PLEASE for the love of God discount this woman’s meal by 2 whole dollars so that she will get off my back? I’VE HAD IT!”

He knows better than to argue with me after seeing the look on my face, and discounts this woman her $2. Wow. Glad I got to waste about 30 minutes of my time so Old Biddies can have an extra $2. I feel like such a better person now.

Of course, their checks averaged to like 10 or 12 dollars… One woman tipped me 5 dollars….the rest gave me like 2 each…. 

So what did I learn from this experience? Absolutely nothing that I didn’t know about old ladies before…. They equalled the exact stereotype. I can’t stand them anymore. When I see old ladies at my restaurant, I don’t think of them as my grandma, because my grandma would never act this way. I think of them as the devil’s grandmas.

On to round 2…. I then got to wait on the Austrians again. WIN. 

Lady Cosmo looked surprised when I asked her if she would like her usual cosmo…. as if I hadn’t waited on her last week…bahahhaa… I LOVE HER! I asked her if she was aware that the cosmopolitan was the signature drink on the show Sex and the City…. She just laughed and said, “Really?” in her awesome accent. I seriously want to be this woman. She’s so legit, it’s not even funny. She could kick all five of the old biddies’ asses with her hands tied behind her back. She’s very regal. 

Sam Adams ordered his usual as well, and he made fun of Lady Cosmo for not remembering that I’d waited on them last week. He left me $20 on a $50 tab. DOUBLE WIN. These are two old people that still live in their youth, which is AMAZING.