These are true stories of my experiences as a waitress.

Stories of a Waitress Slowly Going Insane

Kick off those slip resistant shoes and relax

Annoying

Me: “What salad dressing would you like on your salad?”

Annoying: “What kinds do you have?” 

Me: “Ranch, Honey Mustard, Bleu Cheese, Balsamic, 1000 Island, (the list goes on forever. My restaurant has  like 15).”

After I’ve finally listed all billion dressings that we have:

Annoying: “Oh I’ll just have Ranch.”

… which restaurants do NOT have ranch? (I know there are exceptions, but in a chain restaurant, this is HIGHLY unlikely that you won’t have ranch as a choice…. 

Shut up and get out of my life. 

Mother’s Day: Part 4 (My best table)

In the middle of this INSANE shift on Mother’s Day, the hosts triple-sat me….go fucking figure….. I think a small child has more common sense than our hosts sometimes. First, I got sat with a family of four; in the middle of taking their drink orders, I get sat with a table of 6. In the middle of taking THEIR drink orders, I got sat with a one-top: one old man sitting by himself. He bears a resemblance to that actor, Ernest Borgnine, so I’ll call him EB for short. 

PANIC MODE.

I stopped by and greeted him, and he ordered a Coors Light. Thank God it was a bottle, because I could not fit another glass on my tray of drinks, so that was easy for me to deliver to him. As I dropped off the Coors Light with a tray of drinks in my arm, I told him I would be back as soon as I could. I felt horrible because I knew it would be a while before I got to come back to him with all the drinks I had to drop off. 

I took the four-tops order, then stopped by EB to ask if he was ready to order, and he said, “I actually need a few more minutes, but if you get me another beer, I should be fine for a while.” THANK GOD. I needed time to play catch-up, especially with the six-top that I had to take orders from. 

Later on, I made it back to take his order, and it was quick and painless. I didn’t have to ask him a single question about his order. Thank God for this sweet old man, because if it hadn’t been for him, I would’ve been in the weeds for the next hour atleast. He made that much of a difference. After he ordered, he said, “And I’m in no hurry, honey. I know it’s busy and I’m perfectly fine right now. I’ve been driving all day long, so I need to rest for a bit.” 

After I’d gotten caught up and delivered his salad, I asked him where he was traveling from, and he told me he was driving all the way from North Carolina. Originally, I had thought it was strange for someone to come in a restaurant alone on Mother’s Day, but after he said that, I figured he was en route to see family.

EB was probably one of the sweetest people I have EVER waited on in all the time that I’ve been doing this, and it was so refreshing to have him after all those horrible tables on Mother’s Day. Before I delivered his check, I wrote a note to him saying, “I just wanted to thank you for your kindness and patience. It was truly a blessing, and you are the nicest person I have talked to all day and it truly made my day ten times better. You have no idea how much I appreciated it. - “Insanity”

When I came back to get his card, he said, “That was a very kind note, but it is easy to be nice when I’m treated so well. My son passed away in March and I’m having to drive up here to try and sell his house today. Thank you for being so sweet; you have a beautiful smile and an even more beautiful personality.” He then tipped me $10 on $30, gave me a hug, and left. 

I had waterworks big time. It really put everything into perspective for me, and I’m getting emotional just writing about it now. I had to go into the walk-in fridge to gather myself after that, and then I said a prayer and thanked God for letting me wait on EB, for I will NEVER forget that moment in time. It truly touched my heart, and it made me forget about all the hateful people I had waited on that day, and it was easier to give a genuine smile to my tables after that. 

Six hours later, I was furious after all those crazy tables and crying my eyes out on the way home. I pulled up to my house blubbering like an idiot, and then remembered EB. That’s when my tears stopped and I was able to remember the good in people. 

Mother’s Day: Part 3

I had a family of four that ended up being super nice, but the mom (who had a STRIKING resemblance to Nicollette Sheridan) really made me laugh at first.

Me: “Happy Mother’s Day to you, ma’am :)”

NS: “Happy Mother’s Day to you, too! How many children do you have?”

…. I’m 22 years old…. lmfao… there’s no way in Hell I’m having kids anytime soon….

Me: “I do not have any children of my own.”

NS: “Oh, well that’s good that you’re working then, I suppose.”

Is it really good that I’m working?… hahaha… I definitely disagree.

However, I did feel bad for all the servers I work with that do have young children, so I guess I did see her point there. 

Mr. and Mrs. Joy

Following Mrs. Wine and Mr. Dine, I got sat with another couple, Mr. and Mrs. Joy,  that were also there to enjoy a meal; I say this because they were in no hurry. The wife ordered wine, they were both extremely pleasant, and they made it so easy to take care of them that the only thing that could’ve possibly messed it up was the kitchen. Thankfully, their food came out correctly and they enjoyed themselves. It was truly a joy and pleasure to wait on them. 

At the end of their meal, I asked them how everything was, and Mr. Joy replied, “You know, the food is always excellent, but your service was outstanding. You did a terrific job, and we really appreciate it because we don’t get to relax this often.” 

Biggest. Smile. Ever. 

He then asked me how long I’d been working here, what I was wanting to do for a career, etc., and Mrs. Joy told me that I was destined to do something working with people. 

What are the odds that I ended up with quite possibly the two best tables of the night? 

Oh, and to top it all off, they left a 30% tip on a pretty high tab. Very nice indeed. 

Why can’t everyone be this pleasant all the time? People act like you’ve killed their children if their steak is under-cooked, or they throw a bitch fit if we ran out of a steak they wanted…. This job would be A HUNDRED TIMES easier if more people displayed kindness such as these two couples, and I’m not even talking about tips here. I’m talking about how gracious, polite, and pleasant they were! However, I guess I’m preaching to the choir here since you can rant forever about mean customers. 

I will say that those two tables alone were such a blessing that the rest of my tables that night didn’t affect me one bit. 

Mrs. Wine and Mr. Dine

After taking off work and draining the last of my savings, I finally came in Saturday night and had a shift that DIDN’T suck or make me want to scream at the top of my lungs out of agony. We were INSANELY busy because of some events going on locally, and also because a hotel just opened right next door to the restaurant, so I had a ton of tables.  One table in particular really made my night…

I got sat with a couple, Mrs. Wine and Mr. Dine; I call them that because they were truly there just to enjoy a meal and enjoy themselves. They were super cool and nice; Mrs. Wine was absolutely hilarious. She told me she’d waited tables before, which automatically makes me like someone. She gave me compliments on my service and basically made my night just by being so kind and funny. It’s tables like this that make waiting on the shitheads ten times easier; they make you remember the good people in this world. It put a huge smile on my face for the rest of the night, and I honestly think my tips were higher that night because I was able to keep a bright attitude and smile throughout. 

Thanks, Mrs. Wine and Mr. Dine :) I hope you get to read this; you know who you are. 

Friggin Mother’s Day

There is so much for me to talk about right now, yet I have no time to explain.

When I’m done seething, crying, working my other job, and sleeping, I will fill all of you lovers in on how “awesome” my weekend was. 

Servers that tip like shit

There is absolutely NO EXCUSE for a server to tip another server like shit unless there was some RIDICULOUS circumstance where there was not good service. However, it’s hard to believe that that would happen. I would never purposely give bad service to someone; it’s how I make my money. Why would I treat you like shit when you’re the one paying my bills? 

Two examples: 

Last night, Goldengirl was waiting on a young lady who works for another restaurant in our chain. This means that she gets 25% off her meal. We know she’s a server because we have been to the place she works at. Goldengirl gives excellent service and she’s an absolute sweetheart. Her tip: 5 on 37. That’s just under 15% , and that’s AFTER she got 25% off. 

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING RIDICULOUS! YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE AND YOU KNOW HOW TIPPING WORKS AND YOU WORK FOR TIPS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO DO THAT TO SOMEONE THAT WORKS FOR THE SAME COMPANY AS YOU?! THE FUCK?! 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

If any of you do this to me, I WILL write about your cheap asses. Make no mistake. 

Example 2:

My restaurant is across from a Waffle House; last night we had two “lovely” ladies that work there come in and sit in Crazy Bat’s section before their shift started. They ordered the cheapest steaks on the menu, and honestly, they looked like real pains in the asses. Thank God I didn’t have to wait on them. THANK GOD. My fuse is short enough already without this bullshit.

Anyway, they complained to Crazybat about their steaks; typical. She came back to the kitchen to tell Kind Soul. As I passed their table, one of them grabbed me with an arm shaped like a tree trunk. Seriously; this bitch was fat and strong as an ox. 

Gross lady: “I NEED TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER.”

Me: “Take your hand off me. Do not touch me.”

I then went back to the kitchen, told Kind Soul and Crazybat, then ran my happy self the fuck away from their table. I see them bitch and moan to Kind Soul for 20 minutes about how “awful” their steaks are, how Crazybat acted snotty to them (pretty sure anyone would come off snotty to them because they were ignorant, redneck bitches and I also know that Crazybat would do no such thing), how they had HORRIBLE service, how they were NEVER coming back again, and a whole bunch of nonsense. Wanna know what Kindsoul did? 

PAID FOR THEIR MEALS, so that they will COME BACK AGAIN….

I guess I’ll be paying a fun visit to that Waffle House REAL soon ;) 

Jk. I’m not that mean. If it were my table though, you can bet your ass I would’ve gone in there and raised some major hell over a fucking waffle just to show them what pieces of shit they acted like. Oh, and they stiffed Crazybat. Utter trash. 

(This is in no way making fun of anyone that works at WH. I actually have friends that work there. These women, however, quite obviously came from the bowels of Hell just to get a free meal and bitch and moan about their shitty lives. Just sayin.)

Coupons

First of all, people that tip on the amount AFTER their meal has been discounted are shitheads. Point blank. I’m still having to tip out on the percentage of my SALES, meaning that I tip out 2.5% of your tab regardless of how much you’re actually tipping me. 

Second of all, why do you INSIST on plucking your motherfucking coupons on the table the second you sit down? Are you trying to show that your cheapskates, because it’s working. I’m all about saving a dollar, but handing me the coupon before you’ve even ordered is extremely annoying. I can’t even apply it until it’s time to pay, so why are you handing it to me so quickly? It’s not going to burn if you don’t use it fast enough.

Third of all, please just hand me your form of payment and the coupon all at once. It makes it so much easier. You can’t tell me you don’t know how much it’s going to cost after the coupon if the coupon says $4 off two dinners. This means that your ticket will be FOUR DOLLARS LESS than the original amount. Rocket science? I think not. Come on people, you’re not THAT stupid. 

Oh, and quit trying to use 100 fucking coupons at once. It clearly says that you can only use one per table per visit. Quit trying to cheat the system. You can’t do stuff like that in a retail store, so why are you doing it in a restaurant? This means, do not bring a $4 off two dinners, free appetizer, and a free dessert, and then get pissed when I can’t take all three. I know you can read. 

There. I’m done. 

*shaking my damn head*

Country Clown: The Enforcer

It was Country Clown’s last night tonight, and I wanted to cry :( Not only is he hilarious, but he’s one of the few managers that will listen and doesn’t treat me like I’m a brand new server (even though I’ve been here a year now). He also doesn’t let the shady people get away with shit.  

Example: Tonight, Lazyass and Short Fuse tried to pull a fast one on Sweet n Sassy and Fireball (the two closers). Lazyass rolled his silver, showed it to the closers, then came back and put it in the back of the kitchen, where Short Fuse proceeded to label it as his silverware. 

WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! WE ARE GIVEN THE SAME SHIT TO DO EACH NIGHT, AND YET THERE ARE STILL THOSE WHO TRY AND GET AWAY WITH IT! (also, the shady people are the people getting the big huge sections, bringing home the most money, and then getting out of doing work because they’re shady). 

Since I’ve lost all tolerance for stupidity, and I really have no qualms about being the tattletale because it pisses me the fuck off that I get treated like shit yet always do what I’m supposed to do, I marched up to Fireball and told him what I saw. Fireball told Sweet n Sassy, and she told Country Clown. 

Country Clown THE ENFORCER!!! FINALLY SOME JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD!

Lazyass and Short Fuse, there is a reason that your lives continue to be so shitty. It’s called karma. Maybe if you spent more time working hard instead of expecting life to hand you everything on a silver platter, you’d be able to get out of this hellhole so that you quit making everyone so miserable. How’s THAT for some advice?! 

Apparently I have boyfriends now

Tonight I got sat with two guys in their early/mid thirties that asked to see the manager the second I greeted them… They were super nice, so I wasn’t sure what was going on, but I just went and told Unstable that he was needed.

Apparently their last experience at our restaurant had sucked big balls, so he was giving them free dinner. 

Smooth Talker ordered water, while Hick (he was super country) ordered beer. They then ordered an appetizer and then two porterhouses. They were CERTAINLY milking this free dinner for all it’s worth hahahaha. Hell, I don’t blame them really. Before I leave, Hick hands me a $50 bill and tells me to break it and take $10 out of it for a tip and bring him the rest. 

Smooth Talker says, “He’s a server and apparently thinks he should tip first.” 

I got no problem with that, fellas.

However, they managed to hit on me and just about all of the other female servers working tonight throughout their time. They referred to me as “baby”, so one of my tables assumed one of them was my boyfriend… which is false…. since I am incapable of dating…. They especially loved grabbing and touching up and down my arms, which was seriously irritating. 

At the end they tipped me another $10, so I guess it wasn’t all that TERRIBLE to put up with, but it was somewhat embarrassing after a while. Plus, I don’t like being touched, especially by customers. It’s an awkward situation to be in, because you risk offending your customers by sticking up for yourself, yet you are uncomfortable? 

Oh well. Glad tonight’s over. 

Cheapo’s

Mr. and Mrs. Cheapo and their clan came in today…. all five ordered water, and both parents wanted a side of lemons… lovely…

And they all proceeded to make ghetto lemonade right in front of my face. The entire table was covered in a plethora of little granules of sugar, splenda, and sweet and low. The apple does not fall far from the tree, does it?

Oh, and two of their kids that looked atleast 15 or 16 ordered off the kids menu…. and ordered the fruit juice that comes with it. Fruit juice? REALLY? ARE YOU FOUR?!

Back to the ghetto lemonade (bitch and moan of the day)… with all of the trouble that it takes me to constantly bring you lemons and have to refill my entire sugar caddy, I’d MUCH RATHER just bring you free lemonade. You people get on my fucking nerves!

If I was a real scheming bitch, I’d find a way to charge you for all those lemons so that it would’ve been cheaper to just get lemonade, but instead I choose to talk shit about you on an anonymous blog. Yay for having a pair, eh?  

The table of 5 ate for 50 bucks…and they had a gift card… really, guys? Give me a fucking break. 

LMAO

I texted Golden Girl and asked her if she’d ever seen the movie “Waiting.”

She replied, “No, I don’t watch scary movies.”

haaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaa

Birthday singers

Isn’t it amazing how whenever you need birthday singers for your table, the kitchen seems like a ghost town? Everyone “just got sat” or is “in the weeds” or some other bullshit excuse…. hahahaha

I watched the movie “Waiting” last night and the scene where Dean has a table with an 8 year old birthday boy just made me die laughing.

I totally understand why guests want to make their kids’ birthdays special; I remember plenty of times when I’ve celebrated birthdays in restaurants and it was awesome/embarrassing to have half the servers sing to me or yell some stupid poem.  In fact, I have absolutely no problem being extremely loud and ridiculous in front of a table for someone’s birthday; it’s not like anyone that sees me will remember that the next time they come around.

However, what I absolutely hate is carrying an effing birthday cake to a table with little sticks of fire poking out of it just waiting to catch fire on my shirt, hair, or other area of the body. It’s not only difficult to maneuver around, but it’s almost impossible to keep the damn candles lit!  I hate having to bring the table all these stupid saucers, extra forks, and serving knifes…. it’s the biggest waste of effort. Rarely does a table ever appreciate your efforts.

There is ONE time though, where I went through a lot of trouble and received some awesome praise and a little extra tip for my efforts. I had a party of 18 that I had to take care of completely by myself… Why, do you ask? Because some of my coworkers ditched me at the last second because it was supposed to be a 30-top, and only 18 showed…and it was all a certain race of people. (We can discuss this in a different post entirely, however, because that debate could go on for hours)

Anyway, I’m taking care of 18 of these people by myself, which isn’t entirely horrible because I get to add automatic gratuity, and they’re actually pretty nice people. They were super sweet to me because they knew I was taking care of them by myself, and they basically went against every stereotype that my coworkers probably assumed they’d be.

Seat 1 was celebrating a birthday, and I’m not COMPLETELY sure, but I’m pretty positive that she was a lesbian from the way she and Seat 2 acted together. They just acted like a couple, but who knows? So Seat 2 tells me that she already brought in a cake for later with a candle and a serving knife. She asked me if I could please bring forks and plates, and could I also bring out the cake with the lit candle and do something special for her birthday?

I nod to her and tell her it would be my pleasure, then I rush back to the kitchen and yell to whoever’s near me, “I need some birthday singers. This is for all the times that I’ve done the birthday song for you people, so ALL OF YOU owe me.” And they do. I’m the only one that consistently will go do the birthday song with the other servers. I picked the perfect night to collect debts.

Basically, I got someone else to carry the cake for me, because let’s face it: I’m a fucking klutz. In fact, I don’t even know how I’ve managed this long as a waitress. I have horrible hand-eye coordination, I can’t balance my trays of drinks worth a shit, and I always seem to trip over my own two feet.

Anyway, I got everyone to help me bring this ginormous cake out and do our little birthday song for this lady, and it ended up that I made $60 off of the party’s gratuity. However, the birthday lady ended up handing me an extra $10 on top of it. She said, “I know that you already get a built-in tip, but I wanted to give you this and thank you for making tonight so special. I know you were by yourself, and you did an amazing job. Thank you so much, honey.”

These are the types of people that make serving so much easier, much more fun, and well worth the effort.

Waiting

So I’m watching the movie “Waiting” for the first time, believe it or not… I’ll let y’all know how I think it compares with real life. ha

Gift Card People

Okay, here is a breakdown of the crap we deal with when people pay with gift cards. This usually happens post-Christmas time, but I’ve had a lot of it lately for some reason.

A lot of times, people that come in with the gift card rarely go out to eat. When they do, they use the gift card, act like jerks, and tip the balance of the gift card and leave. I’ve had someone leave me the balance of a gift card before…and it was 86 cents. Thanks guys… you basically covered what I had to tip out to wait on you. I LOVE working for free.

Another pet peeve of mine is when they only tip on the amount they are paying after you run the gift card. Example: I had a table with a tab of 150 bucks. They had 75 dollars in gift cards. They tipped me 14 after I ran the debit card. It LOOKS like I’m getting 20% in the slip of paper, but i’m not even getting 10% of the tab. THANKS. 

However, tonight I had to pick up a table for a server that was cut and ready to leave. It was a couple about my age, and they’d been sitting at the bar drinking wine until they got a table. They order filets, and are basically pretty low maintenance. They were both very attractive people, and very kind. 

The tab ended up being like 47 bucks if that. I don’t remember completely; anyway, the guy handed me a gift card and his debit card to pay. The gift card had 25 bucks on it, so he ended up paying like 22 out of pocket. After they left, I check the book and see that he left me 14 bucks. HELL YES. Thank you God. I don’t expect people to leave extra just because they have a gift card, but it would be nice if people would atleast do 15% off the original tab. This guy happened to be an awesome exception. 

WIN.