These are true stories of my experiences as a waitress.

Stories of a Waitress Slowly Going Insane

Kick off those slip resistant shoes and relax

Annoying

Me: “What salad dressing would you like on your salad?”

Annoying: “What kinds do you have?” 

Me: “Ranch, Honey Mustard, Bleu Cheese, Balsamic, 1000 Island, (the list goes on forever. My restaurant has  like 15).”

After I’ve finally listed all billion dressings that we have:

Annoying: “Oh I’ll just have Ranch.”

… which restaurants do NOT have ranch? (I know there are exceptions, but in a chain restaurant, this is HIGHLY unlikely that you won’t have ranch as a choice…. 

Shut up and get out of my life. 

Mother’s Day: Part 4 (My best table)

In the middle of this INSANE shift on Mother’s Day, the hosts triple-sat me….go fucking figure….. I think a small child has more common sense than our hosts sometimes. First, I got sat with a family of four; in the middle of taking their drink orders, I get sat with a table of 6. In the middle of taking THEIR drink orders, I got sat with a one-top: one old man sitting by himself. He bears a resemblance to that actor, Ernest Borgnine, so I’ll call him EB for short. 

PANIC MODE.

I stopped by and greeted him, and he ordered a Coors Light. Thank God it was a bottle, because I could not fit another glass on my tray of drinks, so that was easy for me to deliver to him. As I dropped off the Coors Light with a tray of drinks in my arm, I told him I would be back as soon as I could. I felt horrible because I knew it would be a while before I got to come back to him with all the drinks I had to drop off. 

I took the four-tops order, then stopped by EB to ask if he was ready to order, and he said, “I actually need a few more minutes, but if you get me another beer, I should be fine for a while.” THANK GOD. I needed time to play catch-up, especially with the six-top that I had to take orders from. 

Later on, I made it back to take his order, and it was quick and painless. I didn’t have to ask him a single question about his order. Thank God for this sweet old man, because if it hadn’t been for him, I would’ve been in the weeds for the next hour atleast. He made that much of a difference. After he ordered, he said, “And I’m in no hurry, honey. I know it’s busy and I’m perfectly fine right now. I’ve been driving all day long, so I need to rest for a bit.” 

After I’d gotten caught up and delivered his salad, I asked him where he was traveling from, and he told me he was driving all the way from North Carolina. Originally, I had thought it was strange for someone to come in a restaurant alone on Mother’s Day, but after he said that, I figured he was en route to see family.

EB was probably one of the sweetest people I have EVER waited on in all the time that I’ve been doing this, and it was so refreshing to have him after all those horrible tables on Mother’s Day. Before I delivered his check, I wrote a note to him saying, “I just wanted to thank you for your kindness and patience. It was truly a blessing, and you are the nicest person I have talked to all day and it truly made my day ten times better. You have no idea how much I appreciated it. - “Insanity”

When I came back to get his card, he said, “That was a very kind note, but it is easy to be nice when I’m treated so well. My son passed away in March and I’m having to drive up here to try and sell his house today. Thank you for being so sweet; you have a beautiful smile and an even more beautiful personality.” He then tipped me $10 on $30, gave me a hug, and left. 

I had waterworks big time. It really put everything into perspective for me, and I’m getting emotional just writing about it now. I had to go into the walk-in fridge to gather myself after that, and then I said a prayer and thanked God for letting me wait on EB, for I will NEVER forget that moment in time. It truly touched my heart, and it made me forget about all the hateful people I had waited on that day, and it was easier to give a genuine smile to my tables after that. 

Six hours later, I was furious after all those crazy tables and crying my eyes out on the way home. I pulled up to my house blubbering like an idiot, and then remembered EB. That’s when my tears stopped and I was able to remember the good in people. 

Servers that tip like shit

There is absolutely NO EXCUSE for a server to tip another server like shit unless there was some RIDICULOUS circumstance where there was not good service. However, it’s hard to believe that that would happen. I would never purposely give bad service to someone; it’s how I make my money. Why would I treat you like shit when you’re the one paying my bills? 

Two examples: 

Last night, Goldengirl was waiting on a young lady who works for another restaurant in our chain. This means that she gets 25% off her meal. We know she’s a server because we have been to the place she works at. Goldengirl gives excellent service and she’s an absolute sweetheart. Her tip: 5 on 37. That’s just under 15% , and that’s AFTER she got 25% off. 

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING RIDICULOUS! YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE AND YOU KNOW HOW TIPPING WORKS AND YOU WORK FOR TIPS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO DO THAT TO SOMEONE THAT WORKS FOR THE SAME COMPANY AS YOU?! THE FUCK?! 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

If any of you do this to me, I WILL write about your cheap asses. Make no mistake. 

Example 2:

My restaurant is across from a Waffle House; last night we had two “lovely” ladies that work there come in and sit in Crazy Bat’s section before their shift started. They ordered the cheapest steaks on the menu, and honestly, they looked like real pains in the asses. Thank God I didn’t have to wait on them. THANK GOD. My fuse is short enough already without this bullshit.

Anyway, they complained to Crazybat about their steaks; typical. She came back to the kitchen to tell Kind Soul. As I passed their table, one of them grabbed me with an arm shaped like a tree trunk. Seriously; this bitch was fat and strong as an ox. 

Gross lady: “I NEED TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER.”

Me: “Take your hand off me. Do not touch me.”

I then went back to the kitchen, told Kind Soul and Crazybat, then ran my happy self the fuck away from their table. I see them bitch and moan to Kind Soul for 20 minutes about how “awful” their steaks are, how Crazybat acted snotty to them (pretty sure anyone would come off snotty to them because they were ignorant, redneck bitches and I also know that Crazybat would do no such thing), how they had HORRIBLE service, how they were NEVER coming back again, and a whole bunch of nonsense. Wanna know what Kindsoul did? 

PAID FOR THEIR MEALS, so that they will COME BACK AGAIN….

I guess I’ll be paying a fun visit to that Waffle House REAL soon ;) 

Jk. I’m not that mean. If it were my table though, you can bet your ass I would’ve gone in there and raised some major hell over a fucking waffle just to show them what pieces of shit they acted like. Oh, and they stiffed Crazybat. Utter trash. 

(This is in no way making fun of anyone that works at WH. I actually have friends that work there. These women, however, quite obviously came from the bowels of Hell just to get a free meal and bitch and moan about their shitty lives. Just sayin.)

Coupons

First of all, people that tip on the amount AFTER their meal has been discounted are shitheads. Point blank. I’m still having to tip out on the percentage of my SALES, meaning that I tip out 2.5% of your tab regardless of how much you’re actually tipping me. 

Second of all, why do you INSIST on plucking your motherfucking coupons on the table the second you sit down? Are you trying to show that your cheapskates, because it’s working. I’m all about saving a dollar, but handing me the coupon before you’ve even ordered is extremely annoying. I can’t even apply it until it’s time to pay, so why are you handing it to me so quickly? It’s not going to burn if you don’t use it fast enough.

Third of all, please just hand me your form of payment and the coupon all at once. It makes it so much easier. You can’t tell me you don’t know how much it’s going to cost after the coupon if the coupon says $4 off two dinners. This means that your ticket will be FOUR DOLLARS LESS than the original amount. Rocket science? I think not. Come on people, you’re not THAT stupid. 

Oh, and quit trying to use 100 fucking coupons at once. It clearly says that you can only use one per table per visit. Quit trying to cheat the system. You can’t do stuff like that in a retail store, so why are you doing it in a restaurant? This means, do not bring a $4 off two dinners, free appetizer, and a free dessert, and then get pissed when I can’t take all three. I know you can read. 

There. I’m done. 

*shaking my damn head*

Country Clown: The Enforcer

It was Country Clown’s last night tonight, and I wanted to cry :( Not only is he hilarious, but he’s one of the few managers that will listen and doesn’t treat me like I’m a brand new server (even though I’ve been here a year now). He also doesn’t let the shady people get away with shit.  

Example: Tonight, Lazyass and Short Fuse tried to pull a fast one on Sweet n Sassy and Fireball (the two closers). Lazyass rolled his silver, showed it to the closers, then came back and put it in the back of the kitchen, where Short Fuse proceeded to label it as his silverware. 

WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! WE ARE GIVEN THE SAME SHIT TO DO EACH NIGHT, AND YET THERE ARE STILL THOSE WHO TRY AND GET AWAY WITH IT! (also, the shady people are the people getting the big huge sections, bringing home the most money, and then getting out of doing work because they’re shady). 

Since I’ve lost all tolerance for stupidity, and I really have no qualms about being the tattletale because it pisses me the fuck off that I get treated like shit yet always do what I’m supposed to do, I marched up to Fireball and told him what I saw. Fireball told Sweet n Sassy, and she told Country Clown. 

Country Clown THE ENFORCER!!! FINALLY SOME JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD!

Lazyass and Short Fuse, there is a reason that your lives continue to be so shitty. It’s called karma. Maybe if you spent more time working hard instead of expecting life to hand you everything on a silver platter, you’d be able to get out of this hellhole so that you quit making everyone so miserable. How’s THAT for some advice?! 

I hate this job

I’ve gotten to that point… the point where just the thought of putting on my slip resistant shoes makes me gag with revulsion, the sight of my apron makes me want to cry, and the thought of working makes me positively ill. I hate this job, and it’s making me have a horrible attitude that I think is starting to rub off on everyone else. 

Therefore, I’m taking tomorrow night (Friday) off. I really hope Hell does not freeze over. It’s been a while since I took an entire weekend off. My wallet will suffer, but fuck it. I’m tired of being so burned out. 

Oh, and I just got hired full time by a company that I hope to stay on with after I graduate. Yay for my career! 

It’s that time of the year…

Fuck prom kids. Seriously.

I don’t even think I have to elaborate on this. If not, just private message me. I’ll give you an awesome explanation

Someone poached the Austrians

Since the host now lives with one of the servers, he conveniently sits the best-known tippers with Half-pint…. JOY….. 

This means I will probably never get to wait on the Austrians, Lady Cosmo and Sam Adams, ever again :(

Apparently I have boyfriends now

Tonight I got sat with two guys in their early/mid thirties that asked to see the manager the second I greeted them… They were super nice, so I wasn’t sure what was going on, but I just went and told Unstable that he was needed.

Apparently their last experience at our restaurant had sucked big balls, so he was giving them free dinner. 

Smooth Talker ordered water, while Hick (he was super country) ordered beer. They then ordered an appetizer and then two porterhouses. They were CERTAINLY milking this free dinner for all it’s worth hahahaha. Hell, I don’t blame them really. Before I leave, Hick hands me a $50 bill and tells me to break it and take $10 out of it for a tip and bring him the rest. 

Smooth Talker says, “He’s a server and apparently thinks he should tip first.” 

I got no problem with that, fellas.

However, they managed to hit on me and just about all of the other female servers working tonight throughout their time. They referred to me as “baby”, so one of my tables assumed one of them was my boyfriend… which is false…. since I am incapable of dating…. They especially loved grabbing and touching up and down my arms, which was seriously irritating. 

At the end they tipped me another $10, so I guess it wasn’t all that TERRIBLE to put up with, but it was somewhat embarrassing after a while. Plus, I don’t like being touched, especially by customers. It’s an awkward situation to be in, because you risk offending your customers by sticking up for yourself, yet you are uncomfortable? 

Oh well. Glad tonight’s over. 

Women

Women really are some of the shittiest tippers, and I don’t care which feminists that I offend with that statement, because being a woman myself, I don’t give a fuck. Yes, there are exceptions, as there are with every stereotype, but most of the exceptions are those that have had this job before, or who have kids that currently have the job. 

They all order water with lemon, then say, “I just want a salad and a baked potato… but bring the salad out first (no shit, you dumb bitch… I’m not an idiot). Oh, and I want everything on the side. With extra onion… and no crouton.”  

Or, they try to invent things on the menu, such as one of my precious women tonight: “I’ll have the soup and salad combo.”

…. “Maam…. we don’t have one of those….”

"Oh, well then I’ll just have the porkchops." So did you REALLY want the soup and salad combo, or are you just trying to pretend you live a healthy lifestyle in front of your other friends? Because the difference in ordering porkchops and a soup/salad is pretty vast. 

Then, they take up your table for hours just to talk about their shitty lives, and then each tip a dollar and think they’re being soooo generous. 

GO TO STARBUCKS TO CHAT! GET OUT OF MY LIFE AND QUIT TAKING UP MY MONEY-MAKING BOOTH, YOU SNOBBY, MOTOR-MOUTH WASTES OF HUMAN AIR! Find something else to do other than analyzing how Dr. Phil has saved your life/marriage/baby/car/hair. 

Cheapo’s

Mr. and Mrs. Cheapo and their clan came in today…. all five ordered water, and both parents wanted a side of lemons… lovely…

And they all proceeded to make ghetto lemonade right in front of my face. The entire table was covered in a plethora of little granules of sugar, splenda, and sweet and low. The apple does not fall far from the tree, does it?

Oh, and two of their kids that looked atleast 15 or 16 ordered off the kids menu…. and ordered the fruit juice that comes with it. Fruit juice? REALLY? ARE YOU FOUR?!

Back to the ghetto lemonade (bitch and moan of the day)… with all of the trouble that it takes me to constantly bring you lemons and have to refill my entire sugar caddy, I’d MUCH RATHER just bring you free lemonade. You people get on my fucking nerves!

If I was a real scheming bitch, I’d find a way to charge you for all those lemons so that it would’ve been cheaper to just get lemonade, but instead I choose to talk shit about you on an anonymous blog. Yay for having a pair, eh?  

The table of 5 ate for 50 bucks…and they had a gift card… really, guys? Give me a fucking break. 

Guess who came in today?

The fucking bitch, Mrs. Talkative and her annoying husband Mr. Talkative…and they were ONE TABLE away from my section. THE DAY AFTER THEY KEPT ME AT WORK LATE.  As I watched them walk through the door, my stomach fell because I watched the host lead them near my section…closer…closer….CLOSER…. 

SAVED. She went one table past my section. Another server waited on them while they watched me and gave me evil looks from afar…. assholes…. and they left within a reasonable amount of time for the other server. I hate people. 

Doctor Snobby

So I’ve been with a weightloss program since the beginning of January, and each month I meet with this doctor that asks me all types of questions to see how my progress is going. The last time I went, I had a brand new one that I’d never seen before. 

She asked me what types of exercise I do daily, and my response was, “I wait tables.”

… blank stare…..

… minutes roll by….

… more blank staring….

Doctor Snobby: “So…. do you do anything when you get off of work as far as exercise goes?”

Me: “Yes; I use my upper arm strength to open a bottle of wine, drink heavily, and then blog about shitty customers until I feel like all is right in the world… then I pass the fuck out.” 

another blank stare

Doctor Snobby: “So you consider waiting tables exercise?”

"Nope… I consider it a vacation from the world… OF COURSE IT’S EXERCISE! I never stop moving around like a maniac until the night is over with." 

Doctor Snobby: “Oh… Well it’s obviously working for you since you’ve lost weight so far….” 

no shit, Sherlock. 

Check it out » Everyone go read this blog if you like mine :)

itservesyouright:

I’m J. I work in restaurants, and I do enjoy it to some degree.

However, as anyone else in this industry will tell you, something mysterious and strange happens when normal people walk through those doors. They turn into entitled monsters who will ruin your night (and faith in humanity), into…

Ghetto People

I’m tired of ghetto people ordering Strawberry Daiquiris and Strawberry Lemonades like they’re going out of style, and then thinking it’s acceptable to leave a dollar as a tip… Fuck you, too, you ignorant assholes.  

Face hitting palm….